Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 422

Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, "Oh, he's good."

Women have choices, and men have responsibilities.

They always say before you get married, take a good look at your wife's mother, because that's what she's going to look like and act like. And if that's the case, [singing] I'm fuuuuuuucked! Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la I'm fucked.

She doesn't need a steak knife. Rona Barrett cuts her food with her tongue.

My whole family thinks I'm gay, I guess it's always been that way. Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk, Makes them think I like... boys.

For every dollar that a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents. That doesn't make sense. That's not fair, the man's only left with 30.

Animal experiments are no joke. Thank goodness scientists are finding better, more humane ways to develop treatments for cancer and other killer diseases.

You might be a redneck if you dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.

I think, over the years, I've kind of evolved.

Helen of Troy, a hooker from Upstate New York. Never got a dinner!

Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.

I have the brain of a German Shepard and the body of 16-year-old boy. They’re both in my car and I want you to see them.

So … uh … I'd better explain the tits. Um … didn't have those at school. Wanted to, but not in the school curriculum … even though I asked.

I used to always run off at the mouth and talk about people. I just didn't know that it would make a living for me.