Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 422

In my teens my folks used a drone look-alike kite to see if I was masturbating too much.

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

My point of reference is life, in everything that I do.

It's heart-wrenching because they often need the money.

The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.

Esther, you wouldn't want a drink, because you are a drink - a zombie!

"Dodge" is the perfect word to put on the front of a van comin' at ya. If it says "Ram" on the side, they're after your ass.

I found our cat the other day. I would have found him a week ago, but we’ve got a grass bag on the lawn mower.

Regarding love… what can you say? It’s not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It’s the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it.

Sex to save the friendship? Well if we have to we have to.

When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said ' you wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.