Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 422

So drug dealers don't find it funny when you ask for a receipt?

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."

I think I look great in green, and I'm going to start wearing more green.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I'm retarded.

Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.

We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world.

I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash, it's much better.

I'ma beat the puberty outta ya! You ain't gonna see it coming.

When you're on that ecstasy shit, this sounds like "Hey Jude".

When you’re learning, sometimes you make mistakes that help you be successful. It can be, realizing, “Oh, I did this wrong” or “I wasn’t affiliated with the right people.” Those things make you better.