Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 422

The fact that they let me in a movie with Gene Hackman has left me with no faith in show buisness.

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

Bristol Palin came in third in 'Dancing with the Stars.' Sarah Palin is not at all happy with the decision - she's already planning to refudiate it.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

They do sell a lot of weird things in sex shops. They have this stuff called Mr. Big Cream. It says, “Rub it on your dick and your dick gets bigger.” Great. Wouldn’t your hands get bigger too?

It’s so much easier to give advice than to take it.

I would say most comedians have a very cynical worldview of the way the world can work. It's almost like if you didn't, you couldn't be a comedian.

I have an ex-wife, can you tell - Cock shit fuck - but... I have a wonderful ex-wife, I really do. She's a great mom, and she's doing great. She's fuckin' rich - that's hey boyfriend's name.

I love anybody funny - even people who are bastards, who are evil people, the meanest people you can imagine, even if they treat me horrifically or they treat people like shit - just because they're funny. Being funny is a jewel in the crown of life.

There was this guy recently who sued his landlord because he said scalding water from the shower burned his genitals. That's a hell of a way to test the water, huh?

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn’t hold.

For me, a breakup changed my entire life. I was a mess. I really got rocked, and I ended up turning it into a positive thing.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

And so it has come to this. I am one of the lucky people in the world. I found something that I always wanted to do and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.

I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.