Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 424

I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion.

Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. "Don't answer!"

I don’t know what Tracy Morgan does on stage, but I can assure you it’s no act.

Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.

The average comedian is kind of an observer looking at everyday things that everyone could relate to and then trying to find the exaggeration in those things.

I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.

No touching… Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people’s fingers.

Now people want what the movie was about, which is violent comedy. And that's really what The Aristocrats is based on - what will a family do out of desperation.

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

I think in twenty years I’ll be looked at like Bob Hope. Doing those president jokes and golf shit. It scares me.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

Liz Taylor is dead. I dont know why people are shocked… I thought she died years ago.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.