Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 424

If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny.

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.

Human beings only use ten percent of their brains. Ten percent! Can you imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other sixty percent?

I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley's 'Believe It or Not' and he sent it back and said, 'I don't believe it.'

Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

If you purchased the latest Joss Stone CD, what you're saying is that you're an employee of VH1.

“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

There`s nothing wrong with sending a quick note if you`re busy or just want to flirt, but it`s hard to have any real interaction over text. In the buffet of communication, text messaging should be a side dish, not the entree.

I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.

Cat owners are so excited to demonstrate how they taught their cats to poop in the toilet, that they are making videos to share that gift with the world. Now we know what happens when people get tired of making home porn.

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

The fact that they let me in a movie with Gene Hackman has left me with no faith in show buisness.

All comedians are, in a way, anarchists. Our job is to make fun of the existing world.