Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 424
Keep your complements to yourself. I get the worst complements. “Oh, you’re Asian. I love orange chicken!” That’s not a compliment.
I was working at a golf course mowing stuff… That was the worst job ever. I got bit by a swan… You don’t ever recover from that either. That’s not supposed to happen. Who do you trust after that? I rather get attacked by a bear. Because if you get attacked by a bear you might lose an arm or something, but you got a freakin’ story at least.
If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.
Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
To keep the fire burning brightly there's one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart-about a finger's breadth-for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.
The reason I do what I do is because I was influenced by Steve Martin, by Woody Allen, by Bob Newhart, by Carol Burnett, by Lucille Ball.
I was over there in Hawaii. I was there on the big island. The 'Big Island' - that name cracks me up. First of all, it's not that big, so I'm pretty sure a guy came up with that name.
I was an actor in college and it was much easier than being a waiter. I thought it was fun to get paid. People were not exactly surprised to see me going in the field.