Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 424
Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.
There's only three major elements. Air, land, which is your flesh and water, which is your blood. You're walking on a third of yourself. She's called Mother Earth. She gave birth to your ass. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, your maggot food ass going right back to her!
Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.
My wife asked me once if I weren't a comedian what I would do. I couldn't answer the question. I never imagined doing anything else.
This is the cleanest and nicest police car I've ever been in my life. This thing is nicer than my apartment.
When you’re learning, sometimes you make mistakes that help you be successful. It can be, realizing, “Oh, I did this wrong” or “I wasn’t affiliated with the right people.” Those things make you better.
While you're improvising, you may come up with something which will break him up. As soon as that smile comes out, you know that, hey, we're having fun.
Some days I think I look kind of cute, but other days I try to avoid the mirror.
Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.
Look at that! It's a park, and there's a white guy and a black guy and an Asian guy and a Latino guy. And that guy, he's Canadian - don't worry about him, they never affect the world much at all.