Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 446
I wanted to do something different, but it`s a weird transition you`re making here. You`re trying to get the audience to come with you.
So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked ‘”What’s the matter? Did you fall over?” So I said “No. I’ve a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it.”
It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it.
Things will get easier, people's minds will change, and you should be alive to see it.
There's not many a man who would get shot and then come visit the family responsible.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
People love things about Hollywood. People love to see the inside of what's going on.
I had a girl say this to me. She goes "you know, if god intended women to suck dick, he'd have made cum taste like chocolate" I said "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry."
Yes, I'm religious. God has shown me things, made certain ways clear to me.
Mirabelle is not affected by a man’s failures to approach her, as her own self-depreciating attitude never allows the idea that he would in the first place.
Do no touch my TV, my CD, my DVD, my VHS, my old school, my new school. Got it?
It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that have to announce that I ate kale and liked it.
I was in New York last Christmas - it's snowing; there's a guy in a t-shirt. I'm like, 'Dude, aren't you cold?' 'No, I'm from New York. I don't get cold.' Just 'cause you're from a cold place doesn't mean you're genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. You're not a penguin. I was like, 'In fact, sir, you're Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold.'
The subtext of every one of these beautiful poems is that it doesn't matter how big your cock is, it's what you do with it. Like the guy with the giant cock would have no clue.