Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 446
I got some pills and they were awesome - I took them for a long time. And my New Age-y friends would go ‘you know, you’re still feeling your anxiety, you’re just masking it with medication.’ And I said ‘Yes! It’s what it says on the label of the fucking pill! You know, in the winter I still feel the cold, I just mask it with a coat. What is your addiction to suffering?’
When you grow up poor, you have to either work really hard to try and get where you want to be, or you'll just stay put.
I've never seen people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking impossible.
I'm a big foodie! I eat, like, three times a day... but most of all, I'm a breathie. Breathing air? That's the best thing in the world! I couldn't go two minutes without breathing.
You can have a film and have 200 white people working on it, and nobody finds anything wrong with that. But if you insist on having a black crew, all of a sudden there`s something wrong.
Every single man in this room has crapped his pants. There is not a man in here that has not done that. Sometimes we don't even know when it happens. Sometimes we take off our underwear and go, 'Oh my God, where did that come from?' That's where the term 'holy shit' comes from.
I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses; the whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was "I should cut my bangs."
The jokes now, it’s just more stories and personal experiences. And just talking about things that really happened. It’s just becoming more comfortable as a performer, sharing my opinions on things, or things that’ve happened to me. That’s where it’s really going.
A lot of people tell me this, too: "Don't worry about it. It's God's will. Y'know, you weren't meant to be together. God's will." God's will? Really, God got involved in this? Really? Twenty years with somebody, twenty years of my life pretty much gone? All the money I made, the career I chose, pretty much torn to pieces? Two little kids' lives shattered? Really, God? Is that how you work? This brutal, disemboweling nightmare… is you? 'Cause if that's the case, then there is no God. And God said unto me: "Christopher... I did this so you could meet a 29-year-old, 5'11" Diesel jeans model who has two college degrees and already paid for her own boob job." How shall I serve thee, Lord?
I pride myself on never using a cuss word on stage. Ever. I headline in Las Vegas every year, and this summer I am performing on an Alaskan cruise. Not too many comedians can pull that off. Funny thing is, my show doesn’t change for Vegas.
We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.
I know 50 done made it cool to get shot, ain't nothing cool about gettin' shot. I've been shot before, ain't shit cool about it. When I got shot, ain't no Music play, ain't no Bitches come out, Nothin'!