Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 447
Home is wherever I am. People make too big a deal about where you live. I try to be grounded in myself. Home is another way of saying 'a place where you keep all your stuff'.
There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.
In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.
The man who accused Richard Simmons of slapping him in an airport has dropped the assault charge. Dropped it! Upon hearing the news, Simmons sadly responded, "You mean I'm not going to prison?"
But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.
I'm not sure if my parents had me because they loved me, or because they wanted someone to watch their other children.
It is hard to quit smoking. Every one of them looks real good to me right about now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy.
Esther, you wouldn't want a drink, because you are a drink - a zombie!
Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.
You know, when you don't go on TV and talk about how many women you sleep with, some people in Hollywood, that are supposedly "in the know", start whispering that you're gay. If I were gay, I wouldn't be ashamed to admit it, but I'm not.
Blacks and Mexicans do the dumbest shit. The dumbest genocide. Killing each other other fuckin' gang territory that doesn't even belong to us. But when its comes to those crazy "I'll kill 30 kids, bury them under my house and dress up like a clown", white people you take the cake on that shit... Of all the people who got fired from the post office and came to shoot the post office up, how many of them were Black or Mexican? None. And we get fired all the fucking time.
You can have a film and have 200 white people working on it, and nobody finds anything wrong with that. But if you insist on having a black crew, all of a sudden there`s something wrong.