Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 445

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

Unfortunately, the show's success comes at the expense of its biggest asset -- the comedians themselves.

Any female teachers watching the show tonight, you've got to quit dating the students. That's the least we expect out of you. When I was 14 years old, my teacher wouldn't let me bang the erasers.

I was actually on two reality shows, which is crazy. Just to think that, out there, there was some guy, like flipping through the channels, being like, 'Hey, I 69'd her on a cruise ship.'

It's always cool to meet people who can do things that you have no capacity to do.

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of "Full House" was, I always tell them: it was the last one!

Democrats do have an historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty.

This is the cleanest and nicest police car I've ever been in my life. This thing is nicer than my apartment.

Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking. It's nothing to brag about.

When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said ' you wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!

I wanted to do something different, but it`s a weird transition you`re making here. You`re trying to get the audience to come with you.

It's impossible for me to hear the words "quadruple murder suicide" without thinking of my grandparents.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked ‘”What’s the matter? Did you fall over?” So I said “No. I’ve a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it.”