Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 445
It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it.
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
I don’t really go to record stores much anymore. The internet has spoiled me. I’d rather just hit up iTunes. You never know what could happen when you go into a store - somebody might pull a Tonya Harding on you and break your knee cap. And now you got your knees all fucked up just ‘cause you wanted to get that vinyl.
The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.
When I die I've decided to cremate any night club owner or promoter who is still alive.
The most out-there thing I’m saying is, ‘Don’t have babies. Don’t get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that.'
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
It’s about something that strikes you as funny but I do it with a Christian world view: why we think the way we do based on God’s plan. I lift up my God and my country and I resist political correctness.
Heard on the radio this morning about a guy who walked into a bank and presented a teller with a note that read "I have a gun. Give me all your money. Bang." The teller gave him the money and he walked out of the bank. He was caught only a short while later. Why? He had written the note on the back of his parole card.
Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
Don't talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!
Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.