Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 445

Sometimes they give you their name when you call information. It's like, 'Thanks for calling 411. This is Wanda, may I help you?' You're gonna go, 'Wanda Matzger from Verona High School in New Jersey?' 'No.' 'Oh, OK. That would have been really weird. Sorry.'

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.

Remember those magical nights Cynthia... we would dance cheek to cheek. I'd rub my stubble against yours.

People judge you because they have no faith in themselves.

I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses; the whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was "I should cut my bangs."

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto - usually a mop or a leaf blower.

I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.

I don’t really go to record stores much anymore. The internet has spoiled me. I’d rather just hit up iTunes. You never know what could happen when you go into a store - somebody might pull a Tonya Harding on you and break your knee cap. And now you got your knees all fucked up just ‘cause you wanted to get that vinyl.

People ask me all the time, all the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, "Bo, you’re an artist… how do we fix Africa?"

First of all, I'm not the kind of guy that likes to rehash the show and so forth and so on.

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

The pamphlet uses my name, my likeness, my 'shtick' (if you will), and my very act, which is derived from my personality, to attract attention and converts.

I don't do these things to be mean, I do them to make money.

Victoria Beckham is so nasty, why doesn't she just go home?! Her dresses are beautiful, but I don't care what she does. She's mean to all the people around her. She's too short to be a diva. We all use the same hairdressers, make-up artists, limo-drivers and greeters at the airports in LA and nobody has anything nice to say about her. They say she's rude. She can't always just be having a bad day.

I've decided to become gay, not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house.