Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 448

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

I'm here today because I hated everything else.

If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars.

The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.

I feel like this is a dream - and I apologize for how I dressed some of you.

Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell said recently that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. And I thought, 'Have fun in Congress then.'

For me, a breakup changed my entire life. I was a mess. I really got rocked, and I ended up turning it into a positive thing.

Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.

Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medical insurance, you can buy everything you own at a swap meet but the right beer is what makes living like this possible.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

There would be nothing to get me to run for president. I don't even understand how anyone would want that job at all. Although I would be able to play golf which I don't seem to have time now.

I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.