Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 448
Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.
One of the first things you ever learn as a stand-up is don't show fear.
The average comedian is kind of an observer looking at everyday things that everyone could relate to and then trying to find the exaggeration in those things.
I don’t really know what’s wrong with Jay Leno. I don’t have the training to make a professional diagnosis.
If anything happens to me tell every woman I've ever gone out with I was talking about her at the end. That way they'll have to reevaluate me.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
Some ladies got the shower massager. Oh, man, you better buy her a diamond 'cause if she got a shower massager, she don't really need you anymore. That shower massager makes a woman shake like a car on bad gas going up a hill.
Imagine people calling you to find out if you're dead. I've led a real crazy life at times, and I've had many strange things happen to me, but that was one of the strangest.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, you know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
I sing seriously to my mom on the phone. To put her to sleep, I have to sing "Maria" from West Side Story. When I hear her snoring, I hang up.
I've never seen people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking impossible.
When I walk into that (Sears) Craftsman tool department, my nipples get rock-hard!