Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 448
If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.
I was working recently in London - what a thrill, yeah. But I wasn't used to their money, though, 'cause I bought this really decadent box of chocolates - the cashier said, 'That'll be 10 pounds.' I'm like, 'Rub it in, why don't you?'
I know 50 done made it cool to get shot, ain't nothing cool about gettin' shot. I've been shot before, ain't shit cool about it. When I got shot, ain't no Music play, ain't no Bitches come out, Nothin'!
If I see a beautiful woman walking down the street, a pretty lady, I'll yell, 'Homo!' She can't get pissed, and I still get the pleasure of yelling at her.
I think the more you do this and the more comfortable you become on stage, you start speaking more and becoming more of a character in yourself.
My father was a rabbi and had a little synagogue in Canada, so I'm from Canada. I left there at 16.
Stop saying you’re not racist because you have a friend that’s black. That’s like saying you’re not a pedophile because you have a friend that’s a kid.
One of the first things you ever learn as a stand-up is don't show fear.
Democrats do have an historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty.
If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!
It's the competition that I think is weird. They're not lifting weights. It's like, 'Alright, Kalkrovich, we fill these grand pianos with molten lead. See how many you can hurl in that third story window in 30 seconds.'
There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.
Hosting the Emmys is a challenge for me. I guess it's the equivalent of someone who needs to climb a mountain or jump out of a plane. It's that kind of thing, where this could go terribly wrong. And I love the feeling of when it goes right.
I ain't never been in no cell that had a phone in it. Can I stay for a while? I ordered some pizza.