Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 448
It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that have to announce that I ate kale and liked it.
My roommate in LA used to punch his girlfriend in the stomach. I could never believe what a bitch she was.
Things will get easier, people's minds will change, and you should be alive to see it.
J. Paul Getty, who still hasn't been buried - they keep finding oil! Never got a dinner!
The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.
There's not many a man who would get shot and then come visit the family responsible.
We live in a country where Rosa Parks had the courage and conviction to sit down long enough to start a revolution that lead to Al Sharpton screaming racism every time Barry Bonds gets indicted for taking performance enhancing drugs in order to break a home run record set by a black man who didn't even have the benefit of Advil.
But some people want attention so bad they want you to see them angry at you.
What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
Some ladies got the shower massager. Oh, man, you better buy her a diamond 'cause if she got a shower massager, she don't really need you anymore. That shower massager makes a woman shake like a car on bad gas going up a hill.
At home we ate fish every Friday, as Catholics were then supposed to do. Being Jewish, I compromised. I wore a hat when I ate fish, out of respect for my own religion and the fish's family.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.