Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 46
What about Goblins, huh? Doesn't anybody believe in Goblins? You never hear about this. Except on Halloween and then it's all negative shit. And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're unreliable! I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
It occurs to me that the best way you hurt rich people is you turn them into poor people.
Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big difference. To me, a friend's a guy who will help you move. A best friend's a guy who will help you move a body. That's how I look at it.
There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
Who wants to blow their husband? You want to blow a guy that you've been dating. And he's mysterious and you suck his cock and go home. Who wants to blow a guy and then go to IKEA with him all day?
I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.
Tattoos are cool because they don't belong on your body, but you put it there to say something about yourself. Much like my rolls of fat. That shit does not belong on a human body. And I put it there to say something about me. I don't like fruit. I don't like it! Long bike ride? I'm out. Hot dog eating contest? I'm listening.
Jared, don't fuck a goat. You hear me, son? Because a goat - no, listen. No, fuckin' listen. Put it on receive, dude. A goat... why am I attacking you? I have no idea. It's a mode of choice. But a goat will eat a tin can, they'll eat fuckin' junk. They'll chew it up. Have you ever watched 'em? They eat shit. And they will eat your junk right off, Jared. And you will be junkless. And you will have nothing, you'll have like a tit - a tin plate, where your - a tit plate. You'll have a nipple where your dick was, and you will be fucked.
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that's what I do. I don't start a focus group to see who got hurt by the joke.
It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family picnics.
You know how we built the pyramids? You gotta ask yourself a question always flip the script. What if up was down and down was up? What if you looked down into space standing up on Earth? This is how we built the pyramids.
I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby… because he’s Jewish and I’m Protestant and the baby’s father is Catholic.