Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 46
I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?
Alright, listen up! I don't like white people. I hate rednecks. You people are rednecks. That means I'm enjoyin' this shit.
Ladies, you’ve got to be the shit to you. Stop waiting on a nigga to verify if you’re the shit or not. We’re tired of y’all blaming us for shit we ain’t even in control of. You’ve done got with a nigga and now you talking about, “You fucked up my self esteem.” Bitch, it’s called self esteem! How the fuck can I fuck up how you feel about you, simple bitch?
Hey! D'you guys hear Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The man who invented the all-meat diet... died a vegetable. That's a damn good joke. But that joke's like a Toyota Camry - reliable, not inspiring.
I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
Your favorite kind of cake can’t be birthday cake, that’s like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.
I knew it was way too cold this winter because I have not had one thought. I have not been able to complete a sentence in my own head. I find myself wondering, going; You know, I should really - fuck it's cold!
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.
Flowers are the fastest way to a woman's heart. Well, actually, the fastest way is through her rib cage, but flowers are a lot less messy.
Ever make fun of someone so much that you feel you should thank them for all the good times? I've got a midget friend, an albino friend, and another friend who thinks "Lord of the Rings" is real. Together we call ourselves "the Unfuckables."
The money can be a hindrance to someone like me because the danger is that you start thinking, "Is that a $20 million take?" That kind of thing, and being self-critical.