Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 454
Honestly, so much of my book is about the best things in my life have happened since I'm 40.
Somebody said they were going to bring an 11-year-old to my show tonight. I'm not gonna tone it down for no 11-year-old.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Why hate someone for the colour of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them.
Do you have one really punky sequinned jump-suit, Bowie, or do you have several ch-ch-changes?
I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.
My legs tired, ain't your legs tired!? His legs ain't Tired! He Just... Tinktinktinktinktinktink, TinktinkTinktinkTinktink!! Just paperclips and Sparks everywhere!
Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs.
I can't shop for young kids. My good friends are angry at me because I bought their 5 yr-old a boy a "scene of the accident" coloring book.
I asked my girlfriend if she ever had sex with a woman. She said no... Then she tried it... Now she's gone.
Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.
It's my mission to try and give people fighting the disease the same gifts of laughter and a positive attitude I had. Hopefully, my career as a comic will give me the forum to touch these people.
With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.
The fact is that really no comedian sets out to offend you. Some comics enjoy the challenge of taking a subject that is likely to be found offensive and trying to make it funny‚ but the object is still to make you laugh. Offense is only a calculated risk. It's highly unlikely that a comedian whose only goal was to repulse you would ever make it past an open-mic stage, far less build a long career of touring theatres and television appearances.