Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 454
If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
Mirabelle is not affected by a man’s failures to approach her, as her own self-depreciating attitude never allows the idea that he would in the first place.
Pursuing your dreams involves you accepting where you want to go. Don’t allow anybody else to talk you out of things or discourage you from doing whatever you want to do. You can hold on to your dream and never pursue it or you can start pursuing it. If you can see it, or if you can envision it... it can happen.
A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you’re smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you’re thinking about something.
I've never seen people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking impossible.
You listen to the world, you'll hear McDonald's say that eatin' there is like a symphony of taste. Yeah, my butt's the wind instrument and the fart's the whole note.
I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny.
If your wife has ever said ‘Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.’, you might be a redneck.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Where I grew up… in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide… you know, everyone was too unhappy.
I was in New York last Christmas - it's snowing; there's a guy in a t-shirt. I'm like, 'Dude, aren't you cold?' 'No, I'm from New York. I don't get cold.' Just 'cause you're from a cold place doesn't mean you're genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. You're not a penguin. I was like, 'In fact, sir, you're Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold.'
Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.
My dogs love me. Of course, by "love" I mean "poop" and by "me" I mean "everywhere".