Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 454
When I walk into that (Sears) Craftsman tool department, my nipples get rock-hard!
Experience tells me that if I could watch my own back I wouldn't.
So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked ‘”What’s the matter? Did you fall over?” So I said “No. I’ve a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it.”
I have the same friends I had in high school. I'm married to the same woman I had. I'm still driving the same car I had when I dated her, although I got a few more. I come in here and I enjoy it. I enjoy being a voyeur to show business. I enjoy looking at it and being around it. But it doesn't become my life. I don't let it absorb me.
Somebody said they were going to bring an 11-year-old to my show tonight. I'm not gonna tone it down for no 11-year-old.
I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.
Do you remember that politician who died with the fishnet tights and all that? Aw, his poor family. I wonder how they dress him in the coffin?
As a comedian, I have the gift of looking at something a bit differently and making it funny. I’m not sure why I can do that, but that’s as simple as I can put it.
I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
Guy on the plane I'm on has a text alert that sounds like a gunshot... And he isn't putting it on vibrate.
Great Canadian comics are often outsiders and insiders at the same time. That's a great perspective for a comedian.
Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.
If we had 3 million exhibitionists and only one voyeur, nobody could make any money.