Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 455
But some people want attention so bad they want you to see them angry at you.
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
I'm having my house repainted and we have a piano in the corner and the painter says, "Is that y'all's piano?" I said, "No, that's our coffee table; it just has buck teeth. Here's Your Sign."
When I buy a new book, I read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends.
The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: 'Hey you stinking fat Russian, get off my Ford Escort.'
What good is being the best if it brings out the worst in you?
If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
You know what. I didn’t ask to be here... Sue my mother. She is the one who had the fucking goal to create life without it’s consent.
Unfortunately, the show's success comes at the expense of its biggest asset -- the comedians themselves.
I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.