Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 455

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Kids love me. I can bounce back and forth. I can discipline kids, and I can get into the mind of a kid. In my brain, I consider myself the ultimate video game player. The ultimate snack maker.

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

I'm sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.

Kids, do not fuck that shit; you'll get an infection.

The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: 'Hey you stinking fat Russian, get off my Ford Escort.'

Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian.

I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

I had to stop drinkin', cuz I got tired of waking in my car driving ninety.

Well, isn't that special?

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself.

I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.

I was hoping Star Jones and Rosie O'Donnell sat next to each other on the View. Cause then maybe they'd get into a fight... to the death... or worse.