Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 455
Every now and then, we have these little gatherings, and Leslie gets plastered. One time, I convinced her to try to fax someone a Fruit Roll-Up.
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.
No one cares, no one sympathsizes, you just stay home and play synthisizers.
I think one reason for a successful marriage is laughter. I think laughter gets you through the rough moments in a marriage.
I actually performed at an orthodox Jewish wedding, where the men were separated from the women, but they both came together to not enjoy what I was talking about.
Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, "Those Chinese people, they can fly!" "You know about the Puerto Ricans... they're made of candy!"
In comedy, looking back is more important than looking around at your contemporaries because they are too much influenced by the same time period as you are.
Mom-and-Pop shops close for no reason. You go in there, you're like, "Why are you closed today?' They're like, 'We're sad.' That's not even a legit thing. Wal-Mart -- you could shoot the entire staff it would be an hour of confusion and they'd be up and running again. That's how great Wal-Mart is.
Stop saying you’re not racist because you have a friend that’s black. That’s like saying you’re not a pedophile because you have a friend that’s a kid.
I learned early on that passion, stupidity and 80 ounces of cheap beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.
San Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here... Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here.
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.