Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 453
I found our cat the other day. I would have found him a week ago, but we’ve got a grass bag on the lawn mower.
Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medical insurance, you can buy everything you own at a swap meet but the right beer is what makes living like this possible.
I wanted to do something different, but it`s a weird transition you`re making here. You`re trying to get the audience to come with you.
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that, I never even thought about killin' myself.
So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked ‘”What’s the matter? Did you fall over?” So I said “No. I’ve a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it.”
The last jobs I had were fixing cars and covering football games for a local access TV station. As in driving the mobile van to the field, setting up 3 cameras, teaching depressed grownups and interns how to use them and directing the game from the van and then wanting to kill myself.
Why hate someone for the colour of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them.
Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, "Those Chinese people, they can fly!" "You know about the Puerto Ricans... they're made of candy!"