Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 453
Somebody said they were going to bring an 11-year-old to my show tonight. I'm not gonna tone it down for no 11-year-old.
Where I grew up… in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide… you know, everyone was too unhappy.
As a comedian, I have the gift of looking at something a bit differently and making it funny. I’m not sure why I can do that, but that’s as simple as I can put it.
Thomas Jefferson said, "The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." Yeah and I heard that and thought, "I'm out!"
Nothing screams “welcome for one night” like the inflatable mattress. “Hey, I threw a sheet on a pool raft. Hope you like it.”
I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.
Guy on the plane I'm on has a text alert that sounds like a gunshot... And he isn't putting it on vibrate.
Great Canadian comics are often outsiders and insiders at the same time. That's a great perspective for a comedian.
If we had 3 million exhibitionists and only one voyeur, nobody could make any money.
In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"
I'm, like, everybody's friend. I'm one of those dudes. I can be friends with anybody. Any race of person, any personality, I can kind of deal with them. I accept different types of people.
A good joke provides tension, and then, release of that tension. You build the tension by saying things that are controversial. The release is the laugh. The bigger the surprise or insight in your joke, the bigger the laugh.
I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they'd also instinctively know how to decorate them.