Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 468
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
To me there’s no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They’re all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.
Every now and then, we have these little gatherings, and Leslie gets plastered. One time, I convinced her to try to fax someone a Fruit Roll-Up.
What I have in common with the character in "Truman" is this incredible need to please people. I feel like I want to take care of everyone and I also feel this terrible guilt if I am unable to. And I have felt this way ever since all this success started.
Nothing screams “welcome for one night” like the inflatable mattress. “Hey, I threw a sheet on a pool raft. Hope you like it.”
Metal is the feeling of being an outsider, but still being part of something huge.
I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument, and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.
That's religion. You pray. You bow. You kneel. You fast. You trim the balls of a giant space penis.
Here's the rule that I set for myself, and I believe it - even on a show like 'Curb Your Enthusiasm': the more personal you are, the wider your audience.
I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"
I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.
The fact is that really no comedian sets out to offend you. Some comics enjoy the challenge of taking a subject that is likely to be found offensive and trying to make it funny‚ but the object is still to make you laugh. Offense is only a calculated risk. It's highly unlikely that a comedian whose only goal was to repulse you would ever make it past an open-mic stage, far less build a long career of touring theatres and television appearances.
All I knew about Ireland before I went there was what I learned from watching soap commercials all my life. I was totally misinformed. I thought it was an Irish tradition where you don't even take a shower with your soap - you take your soap for a walk, you compliment the soap for a little while and then, suddenly, you just start hacking it up with a hunting knife.