Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 468
It's just weird that out of nowhere God said, "May the three best-looking guys in Hollywood have babies - Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and me". It was bizarre that God said, "I want to make the planet more beautiful", and I got the call.
Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.
Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are... Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We are all struggling for definition in a world that resists our increase.
I hated my last boss. He asked, "Why are you two hours late?" I said, "I fell downstairs." He said, "That doesn't take two hours."
Now we live in an amazing, amazing world and it's wasted on the crappiest generation of spoiled idiots.
I'm going old school. Adult comedy but you can have your kids in the room. Kind of Andy Griffith meets Bill Cosby meets Bob Newhart. Also my character isn't an idiot as all the rest of the sitcoms recently have the dad character like Homer Simpson.
The pamphlet uses my name, my likeness, my 'shtick' (if you will), and my very act, which is derived from my personality, to attract attention and converts.
I took a shower with my boyfriend. Ladies, i guarantee you if you take a shower with your boyfriend by the time you step out of that shower your breasts will be sparkling clean.
I think one reason for a successful marriage is laughter. I think laughter gets you through the rough moments in a marriage.
I love to believe that there's one god but there's many different religions so there's just the question of which long distance company you pick.
What is a stealth bomber? It's a bomber that doesn't show up on radar, and you can't see it. Then we don't need one.
For the most part, comedians are pretty friendly with each other. They always say they badmouth each other, but most of the time, they're friends. We're the only ones that can really stand our type of humor.