Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 468
Liz Taylor is dead. I dont know why people are shocked… I thought she died years ago.
We're afraid to move on, that's why there's so much nostalgia on the internet... 'cause we don't wanna look forward, that's scary.
I don't need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my children, the sun, the moon, the roof over my head, music, and laughter, but I like to take this time to take the path of thanks less traveled.
I don’t really go to record stores much anymore. The internet has spoiled me. I’d rather just hit up iTunes. You never know what could happen when you go into a store - somebody might pull a Tonya Harding on you and break your knee cap. And now you got your knees all fucked up just ‘cause you wanted to get that vinyl.
I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.
My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
My first words were "Seconds, please". Most kids in kindergarten napped on a little rug. I had a braided 9x12.
I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I don't see why I wouldn't. I'm fair game, its not like I'm that picky, you've seen the guys I've dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!
From the first time I saw Sid Caesar be funny I knew that's what I had to do.
There is only what is and that's it. What should be is a dirty lie.
When my woman kisses me I start dancing like James Brown. Ow! I Feel Good!
With comedians, you have that understanding that we're trying to get laughs.