Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 467

I had to stop drinkin', cuz I got tired of waking in my car driving ninety.

L.A. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving 'cause it interferes with my drinking.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

If God didn't want men to hunt, he wouldn't have given him plaid shirts.

Experience tells me that if I could watch my own back I wouldn't.

You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California I have to go to prison don't I? I think you only get three.

Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, "How's it going with that girl?" "One day at a time, man."

I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.

Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form.

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go sometime in December.

I told my girl friend that unless she expressed her feelings and told me what she liked I wouldn't be able to please her, so she said, "Get off me."