Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 467

Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.

Sometimes the greatest things are the most embarrassing.

There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is dead!

I'm glad I'm funny. I'm glad I make people happy, because that's very important. But I'm most proud to be known as a kind person... Because kindness spreads, and the world is a little nicer out there.

And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you are superman.

I'm a Sagittarian, see, I can't be fenced in. I been living in Las Vegas, greatest city in the world. I look out my window for 100 miles. In Vegas, there's nothing to do but gamble, drink or have sex. I have two of 'em.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

I had to stop drinkin', cuz I got tired of waking in my car driving ninety.

I shouldn't be near Vegas and have money in my pocket.

I've never seen people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking impossible.

Every little kid has always wanted to be a race car driver. This gets some of that out.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

You know when a relationship goes bad, man. You can tell when it goes bad when the sexual fantasies start getting all dark and everything. I was in this relationship, and he was like, 'Come on, come on - what's your fantasy?' And I was like, 'Well, I woke up, and you were dead.'

Well, you can huff... and you can puff... and... oh my god! I'm making a pig joke out of myself!

I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.