Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 467
I find that when people laugh really hard, it's usually because they're connecting and identifying in a way that they hadn't considered. That's my payoff. I'm not interested in other people thinking differently. I don't care. I'm not even educated; it's something that I'm not qualified to do. I'm just like yeast - I eat sugar and I shit alcohol. And there's a huge culture that goes with that. Alcohol creates massive shifts in world history, and it changes people's lives. People get pregnant because of alcohol. But the yeast doesn't give a fuck. The yeast isn't going, "I really want to help people loosen up and bring passion into Irish people's lives."
If your wife has ever said ‘Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.’, you might be a redneck.
Nothing good about the sun if you're trying to watch television with out curtains.
Somebody said they were going to bring an 11-year-old to my show tonight. I'm not gonna tone it down for no 11-year-old.
You know what they should call this war - Son of Bush vs. Son of a Bitch.
People say get a job doing something you love. So far no one has offered to hire me to eat Whoppers with a switchblade.
A lot of people tell me this, too: "Don't worry about it. It's God's will. Y'know, you weren't meant to be together. God's will." God's will? Really, God got involved in this? Really? Twenty years with somebody, twenty years of my life pretty much gone? All the money I made, the career I chose, pretty much torn to pieces? Two little kids' lives shattered? Really, God? Is that how you work? This brutal, disemboweling nightmare… is you? 'Cause if that's the case, then there is no God. And God said unto me: "Christopher... I did this so you could meet a 29-year-old, 5'11" Diesel jeans model who has two college degrees and already paid for her own boob job." How shall I serve thee, Lord?
Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location.
Somewhere within the concept of justice, the worst of the guilty must always be removed. I cannot divorce this, not completely. The people must have justice and so I want to reinstate and enshrine the blessed and holy guillotine!
I say a twenty-two year window 'cause you wanna make sure the kid can handle his alcohol. You know, he's a great kid 'till his 21st birthday, gets drunk, punches Grandma and everyone's like "Ohhhh! Adam! You were this close! We are gonna miss you!"
America will tolerate the taking of a human life without giving it a second thought. But don't misuse a household pet.
What they have at Chuckie Cheese that we dont have at our house, you wanna see a mouse... stand there... pull the refrigerator out the wall.
Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I don't see why I wouldn't. I'm fair game, its not like I'm that picky, you've seen the guys I've dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!