Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 467
Cranberry Ale! Cranberry NUT CRUNCH FUCKING ALE! Cranberries and beer do not go together! One's for bladder infections, one's for getting DRUNK!
Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything.
I'm actually kinda quiet off stage, a lotta people don't realize that, I was at a dinner party recently, a bunch of people that I don't know, one guy talking plenty for everybody, "Me myself right and then I and then myself and mee me I couldn't tell this one about I cause I was talking about myself and Me- Meee- Mee- Me- Me!" Beware the me monster.
Customs is punishment for those who travel. This will teach you for traveling to our country!
I'm sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.
I used to go to the Cleveland Comedy Club all the time. If there was a comic I liked, I'd go see him two or three times that week. Bob Saget was one of those guys.
Every night, it’s a bakery on the bus. It’s a curse, because I talk about how much I love cake, people bring me cake. And now I just found out I’m diabetic, so I’m like, are you kidding me?!
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
Oh, I say I have an ocelot and it’s a joke, but I’ve had so many news programs in this country say, "So what’s it like, having an ocelot?” And I’ll say, “It’s marvelous just to see them run free. When feeding time comes and they’re mewling, it just warms your heart." People will really believe anything. You may have noticed this. It’s not just me. Look around.
Well, you can huff... and you can puff... and... oh my god! I'm making a pig joke out of myself!