Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 469
Every imperfection you have as a man makes a sound as it knifes through satin sheets.
L.A. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving 'cause it interferes with my drinking.
You listen to the world, you'll hear McDonald's say that eatin' there is like a symphony of taste. Yeah, my butt's the wind instrument and the fart's the whole note.
I also say that if there isn't a response to what's been happening to the people out there, there's going to be a great explosion one of these days, and this will not be one of the nicest places to live.
You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.
I’ve been going up and bombing everywhere. It’s great. I love it. It’s hilarious.
I think one reason for a successful marriage is laughter. I think laughter gets you through the rough moments in a marriage.
You're not a road comic till you've watched Real Sex and American Greed alone in your hotel room.
Mel: What was your name again?<br /> <br /> Rain: Rain.<br /> <br /> Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.
Nothing's as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.
What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.
One thing that teenage girls do a lot that I think is funny is when they go “One thing about me” and then they’ll say something about them that’s some weird thing about them at all. <br /> Like, “One thing about me is that you do not talk crap about my parents.” I’m like, “Really, ‘cause I love it. That’s weird that that’s your thing.”<br /> “One thing about me is that when I’m thirsty I drink water.” <br /> I’m like, “Really, whenever I’m thirsty I dip my balls in my lucky coffee pot.”