Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 469

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.

The show has become my therapy.

Oh, I say I have an ocelot and it’s a joke, but I’ve had so many news programs in this country say, "So what’s it like, having an ocelot?” And I’ll say, “It’s marvelous just to see them run free. When feeding time comes and they’re mewling, it just warms your heart." People will really believe anything. You may have noticed this. It’s not just me. Look around.

Pretty girls have problems too.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Well, you can huff... and you can puff... and... oh my god! I'm making a pig joke out of myself!

Wonder why it is your underarms stink. Did it ever come in handy? Did you ever say "Well thank God my underarms stunk! He came out of the bushes and I said Get back! I've been to aerobics!"

Having a kid is great... as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or talking.

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

This isn't brain surgery; it's just television.

I never thought I was a libertarian until I picked up Reason magazine and realized I agree with everything they had printed.

Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are... Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We are all struggling for definition in a world that resists our increase.

I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.

The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, "it's so full of dreams." Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

The only thing I said to my parents when I was a teenager was "Hang up, I got it!"