Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 469

I rewrote it and I took all your notes. Read it again, that kind of persistence paid off.

Before I got into stand-up, I used to be a hip-hop dancer in a crew, and my name was J. Smoove, and my partner was J. Groove.

There is nothing wrong with having a positive attitude as long as it doesn't bug you.

When I’m buying car insurance I ask myself, ‘Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?’

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.

I'm sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.

Remember those magical nights Cynthia... we would dance cheek to cheek. I'd rub my stubble against yours.

I'm in high school, and I was walking to my 6th period class the other day. When I get there being the first one there I pull on the door to find it locked. The drapes are closed, so I can't see if anyone is inside, so just to be sure, I start pounding on the door. At that moment the principle walks by the classroom with keys and says "are you locked out?" I said "nope,the door made fun of my mom, I was just giving him a beating for it. Here's your sign."

The definition of insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome. And we elected him the second time, the whole world went "what the fuck is going on with you people?"

Racism is exclusion, that's why I make fun of everybody.

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it’s wrong.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus... and I can plate and set the table.