Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 501

I could blame a lot of my life on alcohol and I don’t. I just know I’m a fucking loser.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: "You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation." Yeah, does it look like I'm suffering? Those aren't tears on your belly.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.

I rented a movie and I put it in the DVD player and before the movie starts, it says, “this film has been modified to fit your television.” Can you imagine if it wasn’t? All you’d see is like a knuckle.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

There's a big difference between the National Book Awards and the Academy Awards. At the Academy Awards you can feel the greed and envy and ego. Whereas the National Book Awards are in New York.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.

Competition is the death of art.

Marie-Antoinette, who said to Louis, "Not tonight – this is my last headache." Never got a dinner!

The Mayor of Hong Kong, who said "Can't work today. Have American flu." Never got a dinner!

There's lotion for your face, for your hands, for your feet, for your body. Why? What would happen if you put hand lotion on your feet? Would your feet get confused and start clapping? Each kind has something special in it - aloe, shea butter, coconut, cocoa butter, vanilla, lemon extract. That's not lotion. That's one ingredient short of a Bundt cake.