Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 501

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my 87 birthday. I tell them a paternity suit.

I believe that if you go on a date and get to second base and then you go home alone and rub one out, that’s like runs batted in.

I got into trouble a lot in school. They say you're a disturbance in class. You're a distraction, they're moving you around. You never really get rewarded in class for being funny. You're a disturbance. But the funny kid is often witty and clever and quick... they finally get a chance to express themselves when they get out of school.

Sore loser? You bet your fucking ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously - that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.

All I knew about Ireland before I went there was what I learned from watching soap commercials all my life. I was totally misinformed. I thought it was an Irish tradition where you don't even take a shower with your soap - you take your soap for a walk, you compliment the soap for a little while and then, suddenly, you just start hacking it up with a hunting knife.

If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!

Now we have hands-free phones, so you can focus on the thing you're really supposed to be doing ... chances are, if you need both of your hands to do something, your brain should be in on it too.

That's your little joke? Don't worry! We'll mop it up later.

And my marriage was perfect when I wasn't famous.

There's this big pie in show business, and you physically can't eat the whole pie. If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough. The real trick is not to try to get the whole pie, but to keep the biggest slice.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!