Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 501
All my friends, all they do is drink and smoke - all they do, all day - but they're sensitive. Like after 9/11, they thought they was patriotic, you know. They telling me what their military strategy was gonna be the next day with a joint in they mouth. 'Yo son, we gonna knock them dudes out. That's my word, son.' I'm like, 'What dudes?' 'Them dudes from Assgan, son!'
In Los Angeles, the big story is that Police Chief Daryl Gates announced his retirement. It'll be sometime next year. Why can't a guy just retire without making a big deal of it?
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
I see guys dressing like they're in college - and they're not. I don't want to be that guy.
People say to me, “Oh, Bill, leave them alone. They’re so good, and so clean-cut, and they’re such a good image for the children.” Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children listening to people who fucking rocked! I don’t care if they died in pools of their own vomit! I want someone who plays from his fucking heart! “Mommy, the man Bill told me to listen to has a blood bubble on his nose.” Shut up and listen to him play!
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.
I'm just saying, tonight, if you're going through a breakup and you're drinking, don't call. Just don't do it. Don't call. Because here's the thing: booze has information in it!
Did you hear the new phenomenon that's going on about... letting the boys decide if they want to get circumcised? It's like, OK, it shouldn't be up to the boy. It should be up to the girl, the one that's going to be fucking him in 15 years - that should be her decision.
Finding a calm place inside myself through meditation kind of helped me to get over a lot of mental illness, it's just been a really great thing in my life.
Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life!
The married man has all but eliminated that worry from his life, simply because his wife knows all about him: the good, the bad, and the tiny.