Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 502
The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.
Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
It is not crazy to think that powerful people do some pretty horrible things. And maybe they get out of hand. Maybe it just gets away from them. It snowballs.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
The unfairness of life is indicative of trees. I planted twenty trees on the same block. It's so fucking weird. Six became huge. One is giant. And there are some little shitty ones. Same soil. Same water. Same seed. But those little ones just don't grow. I can't explain it.
The Great British seagulls, they are fucking huge! You see 'em with feathers rolled up, fucking tattoos. There's always one with a gammy leg. They're on mobile's now. It's like, "Chips, chips, two o' clock." They come up to you and are like, "Oy! Monkey Boy! Giz a fuckin' chip!"
Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol.
I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.
And then also I think it's harder for women because comedy is so opposite of being ladylike.
Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.
When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.