Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 502

We battled well and it was an excellent win.

It's hard to get fired from the government. You have to, like, kill people.

We sat down and told stories that happened to us in our childhood, to our children. They were all basically based on the truth. These stories were funny and poignant to us. They just took off. These are all stories from my life.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

I was one of the first people to almost actually vomit over hearing the use of the phrase "family values" and I pride myself on never having fallen for the idea that Barbara Bush was sweet and grandmotherly. I met Barbara Bush and, as I expected, she was a tank with eyes, not a nice person at all and why should that blow anybody away?

I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.

I think pimp, therefore I am.

I feel like I want to take care of everyone and I also feel this terrible guilt if I am unable to. And I have felt this way ever since all this success started.

My life is perfect even when it's not.

And while we’re at it Sheriff Joe in Arizona, fuck you you fucking puto. How about that? Fuck you. You fat motherfucker. Fuck you. I said I was gonna talk some shit. Fuck you Sheriff Joe, you fucking puto. Fuck you. Fuck you.

I was the class clown at school, but at home, my family wasn't very funny.

I could blame a lot of my life on alcohol and I don’t. I just know I’m a fucking loser.