Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 502

Rappers should be forced to rhyme in their acceptance speeches.

The most impressive thing about President Obama's State of the Union speech last night was that he did the whole thing without a single drink of water.

Originality is really important.

They tell me now that SpongeBob is gay. SquarePants is not gay. Tight pants maybe. SpongeBob Hot Pants? You go, girl!

Like I told Howard, I can't help it that I'm beautiful.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

When I've mentioned things that I thought only happened to me, or thoughts that I felt had only had crossed my mind, the audience response indicated that they seemed to have happened to, or been thought of by many people.

Somebody help me, I'm being spontaneous!

Why are there braille dots on the keypads at drive up ATMs?

A technique I developed quite naturally to help me make smooth transitions was to use a word or phrase from the next routine in the preceding one.

Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don't care about other stuff.

I was a mother's boy.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

I think I made a mistake once... yeah... it was only once.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.