Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 500
You may not think I'm a sex symbol, but I became a father at the age of 48. Now young people think of me as a mini-folk hero because it's difficult for them to believe a man of my age is sexually active.
So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: "You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation." Yeah, does it look like I'm suffering? Those aren't tears on your belly.
Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"
I don't want to find the secret. I'm afraid all the joy will go out of it if I find the secret.
I had this steamy, hot sex dream where I was making love to George Washington. Actually, he was making love to me, and I was just keeping real still -- like it's done. And everything was going better than I could have ever hoped, when all of a sudden, towards the end, out of nowhere, my vagina turned into an avocado pit and ruined everything. And I woke up, and I was just like, 'Ugh, I have issues.'
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."
I believe that if you go on a date and get to second base and then you go home alone and rub one out, that’s like runs batted in.
The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.
My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a father/son games. Pin the blame on me, rock, paper, get me another beer, casino night.
Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
The unfairness of life is indicative of trees. I planted twenty trees on the same block. It's so fucking weird. Six became huge. One is giant. And there are some little shitty ones. Same soil. Same water. Same seed. But those little ones just don't grow. I can't explain it.
The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.