Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 500

Gay people can't be proud of the country and want to defend it too. What's the army afraid is going to happen if gay people are in it. "Private, shoot that man!" "I can't, he's adorable."

Live life to the fullest everyday, 'cause we never know what day will be our last.

You know, when you don't go on TV and talk about how many women you sleep with, some people in Hollywood, that are supposedly "in the know", start whispering that you're gay. If I were gay, I wouldn't be ashamed to admit it, but I'm not.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

I'm just not interested in daytime television, which is something you should remember the next time somebody offers you a daytime talk show.

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.

This isn't brain surgery; it's just television.

I was lucky I wasn't a better boxer, or that's what I'd be now - a punchy ex-pug.

To keep the fire burning brightly there's one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart-about a finger's breadth-for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.

What I have in common with the character in "Truman" is this incredible need to please people. I feel like I want to take care of everyone and I also feel this terrible guilt if I am unable to. And I have felt this way ever since all this success started.

I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you're on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.

I think pimp, therefore I am.

They got special terms that they use when they're pregnant. They don't even say "pregnant", got special words they use - "I'm expecting". Expecting what? "I'm expecting a child, silly." Well, then, you probably got a good shot!

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

When you first start having sex with somebody, you never discuss what you like and don't like. You just try stuff, and the other person either goes, 'Ooh yeah,' or they go, 'Hey, don't do that!'