Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 500

I think everything is fair game to a certain extent.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

Its probably lower than that, but I doubt very much it's zero, ... It's a large number of Americans dying each year.

I think bears and worms aren’t very similar… until you think of gummy.

I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; "but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much".

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.

You rarely hear anyone use the word "pancreas" in a not-horrible context.

If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.

Can you believe that? She says I’m not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for... Hitler?

We've lost a bunch on the road, I don't even know how many. It's a relief to get this one.

What if I couldn’t read? I wouldn’t be able to text my friends movie times or even order cheese biscuits from Red Lobster!

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The most impressive thing about President Obama's State of the Union speech last night was that he did the whole thing without a single drink of water.

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.