Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 500

A technique I developed quite naturally to help me make smooth transitions was to use a word or phrase from the next routine in the preceding one.

I'm not a narcissistic vain comedian, but I like to tell a good story.

I’m still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I’m going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I’m going after Hitler.

Right now we’ve got to stretch that dollar as far as we can.

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

Unfortunately, most college kids these days aren't coming from any place - they seem to ask the same kind of questions over and over again.

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

Competition is the death of art.

I think everything is fair game to a certain extent.

Willem Dafoe is a shithead.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

In a way, comedy is like sex. The more noise you hear, the better you think you're doing.

The only way I'd need a pain reliever to enjoy sex is if all of my fantasies came true at the same time.

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

It's got some heart, but it's got hard jokes. I care more about the hard jokes than the heart.