Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 508
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
These are the big breakthroughs in science and technology in the last 10 years: we have Rogaine, Prozac, now we have Viagra. You get a sense for who's bankrolling medical research in this country. It's just depressed, balding, white guys who can't get erections anymore. God forbid they cure something important, like muscular dystrophy. It's like, 'Sorry, little Johnny, you can't get up, but look - I can.'
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
I rewrote it and I took all your notes. Read it again, that kind of persistence paid off.
Once a year my back will go out and it'll be... it's like a sciatic thing and it's the smallest thing. Like I could be leaning over the sink to brush my teeth in a weird way and it happens.
I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.
Girls mature faster than boys. Yeah, a chick came up with that.
I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.
Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.
You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything.
Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.
I'm actually kinda quiet off stage, a lotta people don't realize that, I was at a dinner party recently, a bunch of people that I don't know, one guy talking plenty for everybody, "Me myself right and then I and then myself and mee me I couldn't tell this one about I cause I was talking about myself and Me- Meee- Mee- Me- Me!" Beware the me monster.