Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 508
I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It's not true. I'm right where I should be.
I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
Marijuana: why forget something tomorrow when you can forget it today?
Just hit the blunt one time and see if it don't change your perception on whats important in your life.
You messed up my self esteem... Bitch it's called SELF ESTEEM! It's the esteem of ya Mutha Fuckin Self Bitch... How did I fuck up how YOU feel about YOU?
I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.
You got to dump her buddy. That girl's a prude, you don't want none of that. You want a girl like your Mama.
You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.
The first time I was on TV, on “Flight of the Conchords,” someone put up a YouTube clip and said, ‘You’re too ugly to be on TV.’ And I was like, ‘That is exactly why it’s a good thing that I’m on TV.’
The thing about hipsters is that they take very seriously trying to make themselves look like they don’t take themselves seriously.
I’m still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I’m going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I’m going after Hitler.