Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 509

Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.

I was going to get me a white woman, but O.J. messed it up for everybody. He set interracial dating back a thousand years.

I'm somebody who can absorb a lot.

He doesn’t have to love your CD collection. He doesn’t have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family - especially when they’re great.

Your sins are what make you fantastic. It’s what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.

I went up to the camp and Paul had me eat my first oyster I had never had an oyster in my life. And he convinced me to eat one. And it was horrible and it was exciting. And I thought, this will be gross and I'll have a story: I had my first oyster with Paul Newman.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

When on guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case. Ten people see him it's a cult. Ten million people see him it's a respected religion.

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

No one’s trying to get with jugglers.

The thing is girls will always say you're lying when you say you had sex with them when you're lying about having sex with them.

I would like it if men had to partake in the same hormonal cycles to which we’re subjected monthly.  Maybe that’s why men declare war so often, they have this need to bleed on a regular basis.

Being single at 41 after ten years of marriage and two kids is difficult. That’s like having a bunch of money in the currency of a country that doesn’t exist anymore.

We have 93 million households, and we’re in a beautiful position at 11 o’clock. There’s an audience out there that’s underserved. In the continuing diversity of the country, and as people become more familiar with you, you realize it’s not your father’s country anymore.