Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 509

In the last three years of racing I've met as many women fans as men fans, and in NASCAR it's the same thing. My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

Get a good dog. We have not picked up food in the kitchen in 15 years.

Three has always been tougher than Two. Think of any of your famous threesomes. The Three Stooges? Look at the anger there. My bet is that before Curly was born, Moe and Larry could play together for hours without even a single poke in the eye. Huey, Dewey, and Louie? Donald Duck never had a moment's peace. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly? I rest my case.

I'm in high school, and I was walking to my 6th period class the other day. When I get there being the first one there I pull on the door to find it locked. The drapes are closed, so I can't see if anyone is inside, so just to be sure, I start pounding on the door. At that moment the principle walks by the classroom with keys and says "are you locked out?" I said "nope,the door made fun of my mom, I was just giving him a beating for it. Here's your sign."

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.

Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckng empty little heads off.

There's this big pie in show business, and you physically can't eat the whole pie. If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough. The real trick is not to try to get the whole pie, but to keep the biggest slice.

I wanna say something about my baby, Aimee. The IRS says I have to; I pay her $20,000 as a writer.

Now, we're Americans. Technically, who is from this country? Only the Indians, who we graciously let dwell on their native casinos.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

Funniest thing happened though, you wouldn't believe it, ha, the mannequins came to life. I went insane.

It’s just gossip, you know. Gossip is the new pornography.

And even though this marker smelt like an asshole and you just saw Jesus's eyes, there was still a kid following you around. "Can I smell? Can I smell? What does it smell? I didn't get a..." "Can I..." And then he would aggravate you until you were like "Here, fine, smell it!" And when he leaned in, you go "A-ha-ha-ha-ha, nice face!" "I'm going to go puke blood! What are you? What are you?!"

You die alone in your house, and your cat will eat you.