Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 509
We don't want to make them uncomfortable. It doesn't seem like anybody seems to be uncomfortable. We seem to get along.
Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances.
We have to get out there and touch the people and let them know that you are thinking about them and to try and lift their spirits and get awareness out there to the rest of the country.
Comedy is the drug, when they laugh it's like I'm a jazz musician and they hear it, and they get it. It's power to take the crowd wherever I want them to go. I love it when they laugh, especially when they relate through laughter. It's a beautiful thing. It also means I'm going to get paid, which is nice.
The only thing we've found since we've been in Iraq is $700 million. Remember that story? The two sergeants found $700 million in a cave. And I knew they was white boys soon as I heard they gave all that money back... If that was me, I would've reported it, but it would've been a different amount. I'm like, 'Yo yo yo, Captain! Yo, listen, we just found $48.92.'
They say that exercise and proper diet are the keys to a longer life, Oh well.
I've always wondered, what am I going to do that's important with these stupid jokes that I tell.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.
Its probably lower than that, but I doubt very much it's zero, ... It's a large number of Americans dying each year.
As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.
If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven't starred. I'm still willing to eat a species that is only a supporting player.
I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?