Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 509
Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some reflection of my real feeling about relationships, because I do have commitment issues. My friends tell me I have intimacy problems, but they don't know me, so who cares what they think?
You don't say 'we're suspending the campaign'! You can't say that! We didn't sus-, you can't, it's the democratic process! We didn't suspend it for 9/11, we didn't suspend it for Pearl Harbor, we didn't suspend it for the Nazis, we didn't suspend it for the damn British! We don't do that in America! We don't! There's no suspending the campaign! Democracy first!
I thought I was a father once. But then they did a blood test on the baby and the baby died.
McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.
You knew at some point that he was supposed to win. He had all the right ingredients that came together at the right time. He's tall, good looking, articulate, highly intelligent, smooth under pressure, charismatic and, most importantly, he was the right shade. He made white people feel comfortable. 'Cause you all know if that nigger was Bernie Mac black or 'Precious' purple, he wouldn't have won. He's like coffee with cream; it goes down easy. You ever have coffee black? It's too strong.
My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.
Here's a tip: Never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
We have 93 million households, and we’re in a beautiful position at 11 o’clock. There’s an audience out there that’s underserved. In the continuing diversity of the country, and as people become more familiar with you, you realize it’s not your father’s country anymore.
Once a year my back will go out and it'll be... it's like a sciatic thing and it's the smallest thing. Like I could be leaning over the sink to brush my teeth in a weird way and it happens.
You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.
Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel.
It's always fun to be able to have a voice, because it helps me to stay in tune with the project and the people that I am working with. Ther's nothing worse than being on a project and not being able to have a voice. I don't like that.