Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 507
When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian Medicare system, though, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax.
I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No... got any Snapple?'
I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.
I'm good in bed, actually, and I think I could learn to be a good communicator, too. The only trouble with that is it leads to marriage.
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say "hello". "Hellooo, I invented the telephone!"
We hate our national anthem. Because it’s “God Save the Queen,” you see?... Now the Queen lives in a very big house. She has barbed wire outside and people with guns in front of that. That’s one saved fucking queen, I’ll tell you!
They tell me now that SpongeBob is gay. SquarePants is not gay. Tight pants maybe. SpongeBob Hot Pants? You go, girl!
Once a year my back will go out and it'll be... it's like a sciatic thing and it's the smallest thing. Like I could be leaning over the sink to brush my teeth in a weird way and it happens.
However, even under the best of circumstances, four-year graduation rates for the next few years will be substantially lower than those in the three provinces.
I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.