Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 507

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

Festivus for the Restivus!

About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.'

Here, let's go to my dressing room, and I promise, I'll only put it in for a second.

Mm-mm, no, thank you, no, I don't want an enchilaaadaaa. Nor do I want a burr-eye-to. Or a tay-co. Or any other bizarre, unneccessary vowel substitutions.

We don't want to make them uncomfortable. It doesn't seem like anybody seems to be uncomfortable. We seem to get along.

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

Gradual school is where you go to school and you gradually find out you don't want to go to school anymore.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!

I've always wondered, what am I going to do that's important with these stupid jokes that I tell.

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

Purple and gold tigers don't really enter my world unless I've been up for a couple of days.

Have you ever noticed how quiet you get when you go in the woods? It's almost like you know that God's there.

Its probably lower than that, but I doubt very much it's zero, ... It's a large number of Americans dying each year.