Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 507
Every imperfection you have as a man makes a sound as it knifes through satin sheets.
It's hard to get fired from the government. You have to, like, kill people.
Not only are the voices in your head real, but they’re accurate as well.
My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.
My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.
You could place one product in a first-run telecast, a second product what that program is rerun, and a third product when the show goes into syndication, and another product when it goes on cable.
The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, "Soon you'll be able to have sex." I said, "I've heard that for years."
McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.
You knew at some point that he was supposed to win. He had all the right ingredients that came together at the right time. He's tall, good looking, articulate, highly intelligent, smooth under pressure, charismatic and, most importantly, he was the right shade. He made white people feel comfortable. 'Cause you all know if that nigger was Bernie Mac black or 'Precious' purple, he wouldn't have won. He's like coffee with cream; it goes down easy. You ever have coffee black? It's too strong.
I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.