Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 507
In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We're not losers.
In the last three years of racing I've met as many women fans as men fans, and in NASCAR it's the same thing. My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.
He was in the air most of the time. On the air, in the air, one way or the other. It was his thing and this was his airport.
I was going to get me a white woman, but O.J. messed it up for everybody. He set interracial dating back a thousand years.
I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.
Somewhere in the world is... The world's worst doctor and he could be yours.
In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.
Your first leader is your dad. 'course he controls your food and shelter, so, he's not really a leader, he's more of a fascist dictator. But dictators have dreams too. Your dad doesn't. He gave them up when he had you. So remember that next time you say, "I don't want to cut the lawn." Just shut up and mow the grass and save the lip for your teachers.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you’ll never see the same show twice, because I don’t like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.
I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that.