Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 507
I buy about $1,500 worth of papers every month. Not that I trust them. I'm looking for the crack in the fabric.
Just hit the blunt one time and see if it don't change your perception on whats important in your life.
Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location.
I wanted to trust in my partners and the directors and producers and do the best I can to deliver what I could deliver.
Mel: What was your name again?<br /> <br /> Rain: Rain.<br /> <br /> Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.
This guy asked his doctor, 'Will I be able to play the piano after my operation?' And the doctor says 'Sure.' And the guy says, 'Funny, I couldn't do it before.'
It is not crazy to think that powerful people do some pretty horrible things. And maybe they get out of hand. Maybe it just gets away from them. It snowballs.
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
I don't get controversial, I don't get political and I don't tell you what to do with your life. I just go out there and tell some stories, and people can relate.
The Great British seagulls, they are fucking huge! You see 'em with feathers rolled up, fucking tattoos. There's always one with a gammy leg. They're on mobile's now. It's like, "Chips, chips, two o' clock." They come up to you and are like, "Oy! Monkey Boy! Giz a fuckin' chip!"
I was going to get me a white woman, but O.J. messed it up for everybody. He set interracial dating back a thousand years.
Laborers want their kids to be merchants or business people. Business people want their kids to be professionals. Professionals want their kids to be academics, professors. Academics want their kids to be artists. And artists don’t care if their kids are laborers or not. They can be anything.