Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 528

My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it.'

If you want to do anything, you got to go do it. Perform a lot, write a lot, make yourself better. Use the Internet, make videos, create content.

People don't admire you for what you hate, they admire you for what you do about it, and your slacks.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

A song can take you to a special time in your life.

Drugs killed him, but they didn’t ruin his life by any stretch.

You can't even go to Heaven if you get killed by Spinach, you can't even go. You don't even know what to tell Jesus. You Just 'You know what Jesus, I did have a salad, I really Did I-- I Didn't know what I was thinking about.

I think you know you're close to somebody if you can walk out of the bathroom and go, 'You don't want to go in there for a while.'

If that man's straight, then I am sober.

My way of fitting in was through jokes and making people laugh.

You want to track Hollywood careers, look in the real estate section. You see a guy buy a house that costs $6 million, and you can literally start counting the days until he starts doing crappy movies.

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house.

It's hard to distinguish when I was actually struggling from when I only felt like I was struggling - which was pretty much always.

The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.