Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 528

I was a class clown.

You don't just get a computer to get online. You gotta get other stuff. You better get a modem, or you're not getting on anything. You gotta get a monitor, that's what I found out. You gotta get a mouse. You gotta get a mouse pad. You gotta get a sperm guard for your keyboard.

Racecar driving is a lot like sex; all men think they're good at it.

All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake’s career.

I see a Latino comic as someone who can only perform for Latino audiences. I cross the board.

There's something about doing stand-up that's cathartic.

I wanted her in a bad way, though I wasn’t sure exactly for what. Had she one day suddenly turned and yelled, “Jam it in!” at me, I’m not convinced I’d have known what to do.

Hip doesn't really come into play anymore as far as I can tell.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

(to the French) You lot will never have the pleasure of coming home as a 14 year old boy, thinking you’re only getting beans on toast and then going “oh hello, there’s little sausages in their”.

Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8 degrees. My kids’ kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.

When you see the handwriting on the wall, your in the toilet.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

Men would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, “You’re not the one.” We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both - or even worse, cry and yell at us.

We sat down and told stories that happened to us in our childhood, to our children. They were all basically based on the truth. These stories were funny and poignant to us. They just took off. These are all stories from my life.