Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 529
Hulk Hogan’s wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.
My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.
Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust.
After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me - I don't have a lifestyle.
Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.
I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter.
Romney's solution for job creation: allow the slave class to employ their fellow slaves!
There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
Been thinking about having a baby. But if I want to do it, I'd have to do it soon 'cause it's getting near closing time. The clock is ticking. My gynecologist said, if I wanted to have a baby, I would have to do it - the latest - by the ended of this show.
There are no fights in Ireland, people just get so drunk they go, "Goddamn, ya sonofabitch!" and pass out. And there's no Alcoholics Anonymous there, because if there's a meeting, it's always at the bar.
Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.
You can't even go to Heaven if you get killed by Spinach, you can't even go. You don't even know what to tell Jesus. You Just 'You know what Jesus, I did have a salad, I really Did I-- I Didn't know what I was thinking about.
If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.