Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 529

He's really committed... to being an alcoholic, and I respect that.

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.

I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.

We claim we believe in compassion, which is an abstract, and when it's personified we discredit the man.

I have short-term memory loss, though I like to think of it as Presidential eligibility.

One of my life goals is to be a best man. It’s a baller position. You get drunk, you make speeches, and you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid. Usually standing from behind.

I'm just saying, tonight, if you're going through a breakup and you're drinking, don't call. Just don't do it. Don't call. Because here's the thing: booze has information in it!

A fart is just your arse applauding.

I know change can be painful. But from change comes growth.

We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

...And so we go and I meet his parents. And it's a very strange thing meeting your girlfriend's boyfriend's parents for the first time. Part of you is angry for obvious reasons and part of you still wants to make a good impression. On a side note, they seemed in perfect health.

Sobriety worked for me but I have so much clarity now I hate myself even more.

Regis and I were inducted into the original Bronx Walk of Fame.

My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.

I always hate having to use the gym equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: Clank! Clank! "I'm the two plate guy!" Clank! Clank! "Anyone wanna spot me?" Clank! Clank!