Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 529

I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.

The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.

We claim we believe in compassion, which is an abstract, and when it's personified we discredit the man.

According to my local hip-hop station everyone has garnish wages, child support, liens and wants to buy or rent rims. Ya Heard!

I remember the day I saw my hair was thinning. I don't remember caring much. I don't care. It's just hair. It never bothered me much. I was pretty young, too. And it happened and is happening very slowly. I have a feeling dead people get really mad when we complain about losing hair.

I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight - and that was just their hair.

My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it.'

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'

I'll tell you the truth; I wanted to leave me for Sid Caesar.

I never wanted to churn it out. Comedians tend to work all the time. They never put it down like musicians who might make an album then take three or four years off to recharge their batteries. Comedians tend to work straight through and they get stale because of that. Even when I didn't have a lot of money I never ever did it unless I had something new to say.

My way of fitting in was through jokes and making people laugh.

The odd thing about comedy is that the more personal you are, the larger the audience.

You want to track Hollywood careers, look in the real estate section. You see a guy buy a house that costs $6 million, and you can literally start counting the days until he starts doing crappy movies.

Look at this way: if we all ate one person, the problem would be halved over-night. Think about it: I could eat someone you don't like, you could eat someone I don't like... where's the fucking damage?

You know, there's nothing more interesting than seeing a bunch of racists become confused and angry at a speech they're not quite certain what he's saying.