Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 529

How about we work out a plan at my apartment and dinner should be around. So we can just do both.

I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the last one left.

I got ham but I'm not a Hamster

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me?<br /> Murray: A little, around the eyes.<br /> Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh?<br /> Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

False hope really makes you cynical.

I couldn't play off people that I don't personally like.

That's what I take pride in in my stand-up, is changing things up. Being special.

Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of "Yeah, we might have to reboot."

Ponce de Leon, who said when he discovered the Fountain of Youth, "Where the hell are the paper cups?" Never got a dinner!

At some point I stopped stand-up because I didn't have something to say on a nightly basis.

One of the best pieces of advice my mother gave me was "Make your bed in other people's homes. That way you get invited back."

My wife and I have five children; the reason we have five children is because we do not want six.

I never thought I'd be a comedian. But, growing up, I simply loved watching comedy. The '80s was huge for comedy in the US. Eddie Murphy blew me away with his film Delirious.