Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 529

I wanted to give the house back to the parents.

I call my balls the bush twins.

We can only comment on what we've seen, and what we've seen from the Chilean government is nothing at all.

When I got into this, I never thought about reviews. I never thought about what people would say about me, I was just a young guy who was excited to become a comedian and an actor, and I just wanted to get to do what I got to do.

Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Purple and gold tigers don't really enter my world unless I've been up for a couple of days.

Yeah, I still feel like a homie. That connection is still a big thing, 'cause that's where I came from.

My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it.'

People don't admire you for what you hate, they admire you for what you do about it, and your slacks.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

You messed up my self esteem... Bitch it's called SELF ESTEEM! It's the esteem of ya Mutha Fuckin Self Bitch... How did I fuck up how YOU feel about YOU?

You can't even go to Heaven if you get killed by Spinach, you can't even go. You don't even know what to tell Jesus. You Just 'You know what Jesus, I did have a salad, I really Did I-- I Didn't know what I was thinking about.

If that man's straight, then I am sober.

Most guys don't realize that when they're having sex with their girlfriend, their also having sex with everyone I've had sex with, too.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.