Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 527

It said, 'War Is Not the Answer.' I disagree. I think war absolutely is the answer. And if you don't agree with me, happy Fourth of July.

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

Silences are the most underrated part of comedy.

Eve, who asked Adam, "Does this fig leaf make me look fat?" Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)

How about we work out a plan at my apartment and dinner should be around. So we can just do both.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

I said to my husband, my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs. He said, "Blue goes with everything."

Racecar driving is a lot like sex; all men think they're good at it.

Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of "Yeah, we might have to reboot."

I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"

We've had some fun tonight... considering we're all gonna die someday.

At some point I stopped stand-up because I didn't have something to say on a nightly basis.

One of the best pieces of advice my mother gave me was "Make your bed in other people's homes. That way you get invited back."

Don't mess with me, man, I'm a lawyer!

I was a typical kid. I dug holes in the yard, threw rocks, had plum battles with the neighbours and used trash can lids as shields. I was always outside getting dirty.