Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 527

You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you.

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

Tequila is like acid in a glass.

A friend of mine had his own theatre company, and he jumped me in like I was in a gang. And once I came in, it was just that simple. For the first time in my life, I felt, 'This is a career, this is a life that I think I can grow old doing.' It was love at first sight. I loved being on stage and reading these plays. It was great.

In Los Angeles, the big story is that Police Chief Daryl Gates announced his retirement. It'll be sometime next year. Why can't a guy just retire without making a big deal of it?

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.

Welcome to the Academy Awards - or as it`s known at my house, Passover.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-fucked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right.

You die alone in your house, and your cat will eat you.

I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.

I don't have a stack of scripts.

I always wanted to be a comedian and actor, I basically stumbled into the music medium, though. I'm OK, but that's about it. I like to think I'm good enough not to negatively affect the performance.

There are three states of legality in Irish law. There is all this stuff which comes under That's grand, then it moves into Ah now don't push it, and finally it comes under Right now you're takin the piss, and that's when the police come in.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."