Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 535

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

There are three states of legality in Irish law. There is all this stuff which comes under That's grand, then it moves into Ah now don't push it, and finally it comes under Right now you're takin the piss, and that's when the police come in.

My way of fitting in was through jokes and making people laugh.

I never care what people think of me, especially myself.

I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.

Girls mature faster than boys. Yeah, a chick came up with that.

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

But this phenomenal thing happens - even though you are the same guy with the same script - when you have a producer attached.

Dude, smell my eyes!

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

I’ve made 30 movies and for the most part my movies work. In a business where success is an exception and not the rule, I’ve mostly been successful.

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

All of your life you were crazy about cars, I guess that's why you turned out to be such a crank.

"Sex" and "obscenity" are not synonymous.