Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 535

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

I don't remember ordering the Christian sandwich...

My son has been a class clown and it sort of ran in the family.

My way of making people like me was to make 'em laugh.

Harpo Marx, who once said, " ." And those words are as true today as when he first didn't speak them. Never got a dinner!

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

To be successful in life, there are many hurdles you have to get over. For me, the biggest hurdle to success has always been failure. But, growing up, my Dad was always positive... that I'd never amount to anything.

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of "Yeah, we might have to reboot."

I don't get controversial, I don't get political and I don't tell you what to do with your life. I just go out there and tell some stories, and people can relate.

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.

One of the best pieces of advice my mother gave me was "Make your bed in other people's homes. That way you get invited back."

Farts, then says, "What, did somebody sit on a duck?"

For most of my relationships, I would have liaisons, and I would feel guilty.