Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 534
It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.
I only do two things in my life, and that's take care of my kids and work. Fortunately, these are my favorite things to do, so it works out.
People are tired of this mainstream shit; television and radio is ghastly and the public can smell the corporate meeting. When you watch a show with Simon Cowell, you know no human touch has been near it, that they've carefully engineered the outcome and picked those they're going to humiliate. We live in an age of information glut, but so many people don't question what they're spoon-fed or bother to search for themselves.
I want to see gay couples stuck with their significant other at Home Depot with that far away look in their eye, get me out of here.
The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.
Yeah, people ask me about my hair, 'Felipe, what kind of shampoo do you use?' I say, 'I don't know. I think it's called 'SAMPLE, don't take.'
Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust.
NASA! There's a crack unit, huh? These guys make Amtrak look like a team of micro surgeons. The Soviets are building Chuck E Cheeses' on Mars, we break out the party hats if we get down to three in the countdown.
Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.
I got in trouble because I came here, and I said, 'Hey, San Francisco! There's a lot of races here. I want to go find the beaners.' So I look on the map... I kept looking on the map for something beaner, and then I went 'Oh there's where the beaners hang out obviously: Castro.' How you gonna name the gay neighborhood after us, man? I thought I was gonna go hang out with beaners - I got fucked. That ain't right, man.
I thought those two guys really vibed on each other. They seem to have a very respectful relationship. It felt really sincere. "I respect you, you respect me." And I'm not usually a big fan of sincerity.
I remember the day I saw my hair was thinning. I don't remember caring much. I don't care. It's just hair. It never bothered me much. I was pretty young, too. And it happened and is happening very slowly. I have a feeling dead people get really mad when we complain about losing hair.
Jews are the best dressers in the world. They buy the best clothes, the best homes, the best cars. The best of everything. The only thing is, they get it for less.
It was frustrating because I didn't do anything, ... I was at the wrong place at the wrong time, and he decided to punish me. I couldn't do anything about it.