Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 534
It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen.
I'm in high school, and I was walking to my 6th period class the other day. When I get there being the first one there I pull on the door to find it locked. The drapes are closed, so I can't see if anyone is inside, so just to be sure, I start pounding on the door. At that moment the principle walks by the classroom with keys and says "are you locked out?" I said "nope,the door made fun of my mom, I was just giving him a beating for it. Here's your sign."
I ain't never been in no cell that had a phone in it. Can I stay for a while? I ordered some pizza.
My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, "Where did he touch you?" She said, "On my knee, Bobby."
If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row.
My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!
If there was a God, don't you think he would have flicked Hitler's head off?
My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."
It`s your version of whatever that is. We use those words because they are kind of empowering. Try to get back into your life and get back on track with dreams you have. There`s nothing more attractive than a person who likes herself.
Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.
The mistakes that I made I made because I drank too much. I don't think that's going to happen any more. Am I going to make mistakes as a parent? Sadly, every day. I'm looking around for the perfect parent and I haven't seen one yet.
Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.