Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 534

Hulk Hogan’s wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.

Teresa Lewis, the only woman on death row in Virginia, says she doesn't deserve the death penalty because she only hired the killers of her husband and stepson, she didn't actually pull the trigger herself. You know, she has a point. I think we should let her be able to hire the person who executes her, and not do yourself in! How's that, doll? Yeah! Get it over with quick, maybe Charlize Theron will sign up to play you.

Hold it El Guapo! Or I'll pump you so full of lead you'll be using your dick for a pencil!

It's a real Strad, you know. If it isn't I'm out one hundred and ten dollars. The reason I got it so cheap is that it's one of the few Strads made in Japan.

On many young actors that don't give their parents proper credit: I'm still waiting for some actor to win, say, an Oscar... and deliver the following acceptance speech: I would like to thank my parents, first of all, for letting me live.

I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

I got in trouble because I came here, and I said, 'Hey, San Francisco! There's a lot of races here. I want to go find the beaners.' So I look on the map... I kept looking on the map for something beaner, and then I went 'Oh there's where the beaners hang out obviously: Castro.' How you gonna name the gay neighborhood after us, man? I thought I was gonna go hang out with beaners - I got fucked. That ain't right, man.

Please tell me that the Crossfit Cult members have a suicide pact.

Just saw an orthodox Jewish kid do 3 pull-ups on the scaffolding. Shattering the previous record.

Why do Cowboys wear a spur on each boot? If one side of the horse moves, the other side goes with it.

I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.

It's got some heart, but it's got hard jokes. I care more about the hard jokes than the heart.