Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 534

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

Come back here, so that I may brain thee!

It’s just gossip, you know. Gossip is the new pornography.

It was frustrating because I didn't do anything, ... I was at the wrong place at the wrong time, and he decided to punish me. I couldn't do anything about it.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

Beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It's about knowing and accepting who you are.

...And so we go and I meet his parents. And it's a very strange thing meeting your girlfriend's boyfriend's parents for the first time. Part of you is angry for obvious reasons and part of you still wants to make a good impression. On a side note, they seemed in perfect health.

Comics don't like to see other comics do well.

My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

So, what are you in for? Manslaughter! I slaughtered a man! Just like a pig! Put him on a spit and put an apple in his mouth!

I’ve made 30 movies and for the most part my movies work. In a business where success is an exception and not the rule, I’ve mostly been successful.