Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 536

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.

In the forties, to get a girl you had to be a GI or a jock. In the fifties, to get a girl you had to be Jewish. In the sixties, to get a girl you had to be black. In the seventies, to get a girl you've got to be a girl.

Come back here, so that I may brain thee!

President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?.

Most movies suck, even the independent ones. Hollywood is like baseball: Hit three good ones out of 10 and you're a Hall of Famer.

Sometimes when I do a joke and it doesn’t get a lot of laughs, it kind of feels like I’m doing jazz. That’s kinda cool because jazz is cool, but sometimes jazz sucks… Maybe I’m the Kenny G of comedy.

I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

I don't remember ordering the Christian sandwich...

My son has been a class clown and it sort of ran in the family.

We hate our national anthem. Because it’s “God Save the Queen,” you see?... Now the Queen lives in a very big house. She has barbed wire outside and people with guns in front of that. That’s one saved fucking queen, I’ll tell you!