Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 536
Hip doesn't really come into play anymore as far as I can tell.
One year my dad bought my mom a mood ring. Them things work pretty good. When she was in a good mood it was blue and when she was in a bad mood it made a red mark upside my dad’s head.
What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?
My parents were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.
My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
This character feels so much like my brother. He has two children. He has a wife. He works with me. He chooses to stay in New Hampshire because he wants his kids to grow up in the school they started with. He doesn't want them to lose friends. He is his family's hero.
The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing Embraceable you in spats.
I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to my girlfriend. But first, I'd probably burn my clothes.
I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.
Many television weather-women were one abusive parent away from prostitution.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?