Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 536

Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

You know your heavy metal band's going to suck when you've got a clarinet player.

If Mandela were a comedian, I bet he would never get mad at a heckler, he'd give him or her a hug.

Nothing can take the sting off the world's economic problems like watching millionaires present each other golden statues.

I deserve someone who likes me for who I am pretending to be.

If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is, he's the reason you all live underground.

I'm not going to lie to you fellas, I've been drinking.

You fucking work 5 days to enjoy 2, I don’t know if you gamble, but them's shit odds.

I've been chased. I've been pushed. I've been screamed at. I've been verbally abused. I've been afraid for my safety. But I did it all in the name of entertainment.

When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.

I like doing film, you know, single-camera.

My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!

I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don't have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said 'JETS?'

The mistakes that I made I made because I drank too much. I don't think that's going to happen any more. Am I going to make mistakes as a parent? Sadly, every day. I'm looking around for the perfect parent and I haven't seen one yet.