Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 536

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

Purple and gold tigers don't really enter my world unless I've been up for a couple of days.

Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.

Please tell me that the Crossfit Cult members have a suicide pact.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

Why are there interstates in Hawaii?

I woke up my pop in the middle of the night 'cause the boogie man's under my bed. My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, "Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man's under the bed!" Pop opens one eye, he's like, "Is the boogie man bigger than me?" "Well, no Daddy, he's not." "Well, you got your choice: you can deal with the boogie man or you can deal with me."

I know environmentalists exist, but whenever I see a guy on a bike, I don't think, 'Oh, sweet, there goes an environmentalist.' I'm always like, 'That poor sucker got a DUI.'

I'm not big on Halloween. I never have been. As a kid my parents would send me out to collect for UNICEF, which just screws up the whole holiday. You're wearing a costume and people are giving you pennies and you're going, "Well, give me some candy, you fuck." And the grown-ups tell you, "Absolutely not. You've got your pennies. Now go build a village, you little shit." It still brings a tear to my eye.

Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

I tried to contact Johnny to reconcile our friendship, a million times, but he just wasn't having it. When he passed away, I felt such a crushing blow, that things were still unresolved. Johnny was a dear friend, I wish things would've ended different, this just was not worth it.