Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 539

My father was a really funny guy. He lived a good long life. And he was the reason I wanted to be funny and become a comedian and a comedy writer, so to say that he's somewhat of a mythic figure in my life would be an understatement.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

To love is to risk not to be loved in return.

Whenever you are single, all you see are couples, but whenever you are a couple, all you see are hookers.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

In the Bible, God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights. That's a pretty good summer for us in Wales. That's a hosepipe ban waiting to happen. I was eight before I realised you could take a kagoule off

The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.

Marie-Antoinette, who said to Louis, "Not tonight – this is my last headache." Never got a dinner!

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"

And then also I think it's harder for women because comedy is so opposite of being ladylike.

You've got to be rich to have a swing like that.

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

I grew up in a home and in a world in which you can do anything. We were all expected to go to college. My father was a doctor.

It gave dirty politics a bad name.

It's never good to change yourself for someone else. Unless you really suck.