Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 539
We have to get out there and touch the people and let them know that you are thinking about them and to try and lift their spirits and get awareness out there to the rest of the country.
I was doing gigs to stay alive. I worked two or three jobs at a time, there were times when I stayed up for 36 hours straight. I slept in shopping mall parking lots. A stand-up gig paid $35; then I could eat for another few days until the next gig. Literally, I was performing to live.
Welcome to the Academy Awards - or as it`s known at my house, Passover.
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.
It's a real Strad, you know. If it isn't I'm out one hundred and ten dollars. The reason I got it so cheap is that it's one of the few Strads made in Japan.
Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.
Yeah, I still feel like a homie. That connection is still a big thing, 'cause that's where I came from.
Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.
I like "Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory" because some children deserve to be taken to a chocolate factory and tortured. I like "Dawn of the dead" because you don't normally get to kill all of the zombies hanging out at the mall.
I have short-term memory loss, though I like to think of it as Presidential eligibility.
Nothing funny happened to me on the way to the theater tonight, so good night.
In the forties, to get a girl you had to be a GI or a jock. In the fifties, to get a girl you had to be Jewish. In the sixties, to get a girl you had to be black. In the seventies, to get a girl you've got to be a girl.