Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 540

It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything.

Unfortunately, most college kids these days aren't coming from any place - they seem to ask the same kind of questions over and over again.

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

[about smoke alarms] You burn a bit of toast and it goes *nuts!*

Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do...."

I wanted her in a bad way, though I wasn’t sure exactly for what. Had she one day suddenly turned and yelled, “Jam it in!” at me, I’m not convinced I’d have known what to do.

Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.

I'm feeling very vindicated that, when I see the audiences laughing and being moved, we were right.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, "Where did he touch you?" She said, "On my knee, Bobby."

Diamonds are forever, but touching our clit can buy you two or three years.

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

Have you ever noticed how quiet you get when you go in the woods? It's almost like you know that God's there.

I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.