Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 540

The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.

Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world.

The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

Purple and gold tigers don't really enter my world unless I've been up for a couple of days.

Your parents put a curse on you Someday your kids are going to act just like you.

It`s your version of whatever that is. We use those words because they are kind of empowering. Try to get back into your life and get back on track with dreams you have. There`s nothing more attractive than a person who likes herself.

I have short-term memory loss, though I like to think of it as Presidential eligibility.

I want to take that cheese and do terrible things to it.

Children are fucking animals, man... you don't believe me, put a three year old alone in a room with a kitten for an hour unattended.

I got in trouble because I came here, and I said, 'Hey, San Francisco! There's a lot of races here. I want to go find the beaners.' So I look on the map... I kept looking on the map for something beaner, and then I went 'Oh there's where the beaners hang out obviously: Castro.' How you gonna name the gay neighborhood after us, man? I thought I was gonna go hang out with beaners - I got fucked. That ain't right, man.

I'm not even worried about them getting sick of the characters. I want to make sure stuff is still funny to me.

Mike Royce and I have always had success writing what we know. What we know now is that we're middle-aged, neurotic and fat.

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.

I find it ironic that people who are against things that cause sexual thoughts are generally fundamentalist Christians who also believe you should be fruitful and multiply.