Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 540
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
I got a gay roommate. I got ground rules. I’m like, “You got to stay on your side of the shower.” And if he doesn’t, no more back rubs.
You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.
This year my New Year's resolution was to stop saying "Seacrest, out!" after I ejaculate.
President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way - liquored up in a cheap hotel room.
People are tired of this mainstream shit; television and radio is ghastly and the public can smell the corporate meeting. When you watch a show with Simon Cowell, you know no human touch has been near it, that they've carefully engineered the outcome and picked those they're going to humiliate. We live in an age of information glut, but so many people don't question what they're spoon-fed or bother to search for themselves.
I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the "Donate it to charity" slice. "I'd like to exchange this for the 'Keep it!'"
I've got people who like Tommy Boy, but they're getting older and there's a whole new wave of college kids who see that and Joe Dirt, and Just Shoot Me is a little older, so I wanted stuff for everybody.
There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.
With Saturday Night Live you're looking for any hook, any way to stay on the show.
You got to dump her buddy. That girl's a prude, you don't want none of that. You want a girl like your Mama.
The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy for yourself and yourself.