Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 540
It's never good to change yourself for someone else. Unless you really suck.
There is no course of life so weak and sottish as that which is managed by order, method, and discipline.
I'm not even worried about them getting sick of the characters. I want to make sure stuff is still funny to me.
The reason I like to watch stuff about the Civil War is because I believe that I was in the Civil War. I went to a clairvoyant and she told me in a past life, she goes "You were in the Civil War." And I said I feel this. Because when I watch programs about the Civil War, sometimes, I feel like I know people. I'm like "There's James!" "Lloyd! I would know you, you fangle-tooth motherfucker! Go build that railroad."
Terrorists, oh I’m sorry, Fox News tells us it’s all illegal immagration’s fault but it’s not their fault, it’s ours.
If you take 12 waters from the coconut - not the ones you buy in the store, although that's good - but the fresh coconuts, the little brown ones with the three eyes, if you take 12 of those within 24 hours, your blood will go back to the way it was when you were born.
My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.
Every time I come back to New York, I feel like Rutger Hauer at the end of Blade Runner: 'I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.' I have been to the upper peninsula of Michigan. That is remote in the extreme. It's like Lord of the Flies up there, with significantly more beards.
Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.
Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup! That's all it needs! Maybe a saucer underneath the cup - that's it!
If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.
Just yesterday, you were my little girl on a tricycle. Now, you are a young woman in a car, running over a little girl on a tricycle.
[in imitation of an outraged right-winger] You don't take an active interest in how your country is run for just forty-five years, and look what happens!