Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 538

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

I’m left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut case from overseas wants to blow up their wedding, that’s when I’m right.

It's a real Strad, you know. If it isn't I'm out one hundred and ten dollars. The reason I got it so cheap is that it's one of the few Strads made in Japan.

Nela - can you come and disinfect this please. I don't want our customers complaining that our fruit tastes like New Zealanders.

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.

In the forties, to get a girl you had to be a GI or a jock. In the fifties, to get a girl you had to be Jewish. In the sixties, to get a girl you had to be black. In the seventies, to get a girl you've got to be a girl.

But still, I kept thinking, if I'm still troubled by this, if I'm still carrying it around like a big rucksack full of bricks and my father's dead, I need someone to tell me how to get rid of this great weight... The most awful thing was that it was kind of pleasant physically, you know. That's why nobody tells.

Most movies suck, even the independent ones. Hollywood is like baseball: Hit three good ones out of 10 and you're a Hall of Famer.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.

People Sinatra should have sung with? Slayer.

We’re having a traditional Thanksgiving - turkey, mashed potatoes, hat buckles, smallpox, genocide, a blue corn moon, etc.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

You don't know what a rough crowd is. If all I have to do is go make people laugh, that's nothing. Let me tell you what a tough crowd is. A tough crowd is going to a morning service and you got six people there and you gotta pat your house payment. That's a tough crowd.

I never had an aversion because I was active in the drama club. If I had that aversion I certainly wouldn't put myself in the position of being on stage. Of course, in the drama club you're hiding behind a character.