Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 538
Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.
My friends all got really into that show 'The Deadliest Catch.' But I never watched it 'cause I always just assumed it was about AIDS. It's about crabs. Don't tune in looking for that 'Big AIDS Hour.'
That’s when you know you’re a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.
Just saw an orthodox Jewish kid do 3 pull-ups on the scaffolding. Shattering the previous record.
I woke up my pop in the middle of the night 'cause the boogie man's under my bed. My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, "Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man's under the bed!" Pop opens one eye, he's like, "Is the boogie man bigger than me?" "Well, no Daddy, he's not." "Well, you got your choice: you can deal with the boogie man or you can deal with me."
Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
I chose Journalism by default. I always loved TV, and I had no idea what else to do, so I studied what interested me.
The odd thing about comedy is that the more personal you are, the larger the audience.
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
To be successful in life, there are many hurdles you have to get over. For me, the biggest hurdle to success has always been failure. But, growing up, my Dad was always positive... that I'd never amount to anything.
You don't just get a computer to get online. You gotta get other stuff. You better get a modem, or you're not getting on anything. You gotta get a monitor, that's what I found out. You gotta get a mouse. You gotta get a mouse pad. You gotta get a sperm guard for your keyboard.