Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 538

Southwest Airlines is like my period: it hurts my back and it's always late.

I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.

My friends come and ask me "Is it worth it?" I say well shit it better be, I did this shit on purpose!

He did apologise for the Spanish Inquisition. He said it was far too inquisitive. Supposed to be the Spanish Casual Chat.

I just knew it was time to leave that thing where it was. Even though I still occasionally think about it, I still think I did it the right way. It was the correct type of ending. By which I mean it came a little sooner than people were expecting...was such a wonderful experience for me. It wasn't even the thing I thought I was going to have a talent for. I just fell in with the perfect group of people and everything about it was sort of miraculous.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.

I'm not a star, and I don't want to be a star. Stars fall.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, "Act your age." She died.

Your parents put a curse on you Someday your kids are going to act just like you.

I'm living in a very modest place. I have a room over-looking beautiful Claridge's Hotel. I thought it was better than paying Claridge's prices and overlooking the dump I'm living in.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

J-Lo finally married into her own music genre. Crappy music.

My father was a really funny guy. He lived a good long life. And he was the reason I wanted to be funny and become a comedian and a comedy writer, so to say that he's somewhat of a mythic figure in my life would be an understatement.