Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 538

When you see the handwriting on the wall, your in the toilet.

When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.

Nicole Richie’s baby shower is going to be this Sunday at 12:30 in the afternoon. It should be a very special event - many of these people are going to be seeing each other for the first time in broad daylight.

You've got to be rich to have a swing like that.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

I want to do movies that mean something, that make people laugh and cry great movies, period-piece movies and work with the best people out there, who bring the best out of me.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.

Friends? I see... I have the perfect song for you. "No one with a penis is really your friend, they say they are but it's all pretend, he listens to your problems every time he phones you, but he's really not, he just wants to bone you!"

The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.

I was doing gigs to stay alive. I worked two or three jobs at a time, there were times when I stayed up for 36 hours straight. I slept in shopping mall parking lots. A stand-up gig paid $35; then I could eat for another few days until the next gig. Literally, I was performing to live.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

Every day you need to look yourself in the mirror and say, 'Don't be talking to yourself in the mirror today, you're alone in your house.'

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.

Children are fucking animals, man... you don't believe me, put a three year old alone in a room with a kitten for an hour unattended.