Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 545
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
Famous people are deceptive. Deep down, they're just regular people. Like Larry King. We've been friends for forty years. He's one of the few guys I know who's really famous. One minute he's talking to the president on his cell phone, and then the next minute he's saying to me, Do you think we ought to give the waiter another dollar?
The thing I love about Vegas is that it's a melting pot. It's like working Ellis Island.
And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?
I want to do movies that mean something, that make people laugh and cry great movies, period-piece movies and work with the best people out there, who bring the best out of me.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
If you stop eating donuts you will live 3 years longer. It's just 3 more years that you want a donut.
I love my FedEx guy 'cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it. And he's always on time.
Every time you see a black romance it's over-the-top. There always has to be extreme hostility between the sexes. He has to cheat. She has to show him how independently strong she is, not just as a woman but as a black woman.
Do you think we care about the feelings of Native Americans when we celebrate Columbus Day? That's the day that the white man discovered a land where Indians had been living for a few thousand years.