Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 545
To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won't hit you because you are a vegetarian.
I took benzedrine - I got clairvoyance. With benzedrine you can have a very wide view of the world, like you can decide the destiny of man and other pressing problems, such as which is the left sock?
I may sound like a megalomaniac, but I feel like I'm equipped to become a great, memorable comedian, if I keep working my ass off and staying at the pace I'm at, and I feel a responsibility to do that because of the women who have done it before me, and the ones who need to do it after me.
Dont give me that shit that weeds a drug. It aint no motherfuckin drug. Ive done the research. Its just a plant. It just grows like that. And if you just happen to set it on fire there are some effects.
All I did was tell the truth. That's is what the whole show is about! And if "Politically Incorrect" has to go down for it, so be it!
It's hip to be square. Remember that shitty song by that shitty band 20 motherfucking years ago?
If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married.
My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?
Spontaneous, clever, specific, oblique and at the same time very human.
I say we spend some money, clean up some junkies and make them all go work for the Red Cross. You ever give blood to the Red Cross? Little paper hatted trainee kid, just sticking you full of holes. "Golly, jeez, this is way harder than the deep fryer, how does this work?" You get an ex-junkie in there, bap-bap, he's gonna find a vein. You're in, you're out, you got sugar cookie and you're happy!
I read the New York Times, and if I'm in a different city, I'll skim that paper.
You might be a redneck if you think subdivision is part of a math problem.