Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 545

I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

Some people say that Jesus was black. I don't know if that's true or not, but that would explain why it's taking him so long to come back.

Nothing can take the sting off the world's economic problems like watching millionaires present each other golden statues.

My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, "Where did he touch you?" She said, "On my knee, Bobby."

Friends? I see... I have the perfect song for you. "No one with a penis is really your friend, they say they are but it's all pretend, he listens to your problems every time he phones you, but he's really not, he just wants to bone you!"

Just went to the gym and worked on every body part. Four people slapped me.

I think it's really funny watching all the people that have been booted off The Apprentice trying to pretend as if they respect the two guys that are still there. They obviously think these two guys are jackasses.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

At the risk bragging, one of the things I’m best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.

She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.