Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 545
You don't just get a computer to get online. You gotta get other stuff. You better get a modem, or you're not getting on anything. You gotta get a monitor, that's what I found out. You gotta get a mouse. You gotta get a mouse pad. You gotta get a sperm guard for your keyboard.
If I get to Heaven and God is white, I'd be like, 'I knew it all along. Show me to the hood.' But if I get to Heaven and God is black, that's going to piss me off a little bit. I'd be like, 'Ain't this a bitch? You've been black all along? Ain't you been seeing what the hell's going on down there?'
I used to think about Cindy Crawford; now, I think about leaving dishes in the sink overnight without a war breaking out.
I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them to do adult things like drive cars, Jet-Ski, and lip-synch. I’m in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medicine-ball asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can’t get up right away.
The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push.
And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?
The fumes are killing us, and we wonder why things are going haywire.
Here, let's go to my dressing room, and I promise, I'll only put it in for a second.
If you drink, don’t drive. Or if you do, at least try to crash into some asshole in a Corvette or something.
How do you come back? It's one step at a time. I'm optimistic because I don't know what else to be.
If there was a God, don't you think he would have flicked Hitler's head off?
I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.
Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.