Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 544
You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself "god I just wasted half the day".
If you drink, don’t drive. Or if you do, at least try to crash into some asshole in a Corvette or something.
It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.
If there was a God, don't you think he would have flicked Hitler's head off?
The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.
When I got into this, I never thought about reviews. I never thought about what people would say about me, I was just a young guy who was excited to become a comedian and an actor, and I just wanted to get to do what I got to do.
I think it's really funny watching all the people that have been booted off The Apprentice trying to pretend as if they respect the two guys that are still there. They obviously think these two guys are jackasses.
Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I work really hard at trying to see the big picture and not getting stuck in ego. I believe we're all put on this planet for a purpose, and we all have a different purpose... When you connect with that love and that compassion, that's when everything unfolds.
It's easier to do comedy with an audience, because their reactions tell you whether or not what your saying qualifies as comedy.
But still, I kept thinking, if I'm still troubled by this, if I'm still carrying it around like a big rucksack full of bricks and my father's dead, I need someone to tell me how to get rid of this great weight... The most awful thing was that it was kind of pleasant physically, you know. That's why nobody tells.
People don't admire you for what you hate, they admire you for what you do about it, and your slacks.
What's that? My six song album entitled "Bo Fo Sho" is currently available on iTunes? With three songs that have never been heard on the internet? Uh, and if I try to pirate it for free I'll get AIDS? I would have guessed scurvy. Well, see you later ghost of Dr.Martin Luther King Jr.