Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 544
I’m just another reject slowly slipping out of the gene pool to get hoovered up by the sex industry.
My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.
Famous people are deceptive. Deep down, they're just regular people. Like Larry King. We've been friends for forty years. He's one of the few guys I know who's really famous. One minute he's talking to the president on his cell phone, and then the next minute he's saying to me, Do you think we ought to give the waiter another dollar?
The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push.
And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?
Here in the U.S., we've made democracy into a science. A cold, impersonal science.
The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.
I don't care who you are, I don't care what you do. If you have four funny stories, you can be a guest on this show. That's what we're looking for.
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.
I didn’t realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents… my dad told me “you’re good; you should be a computer programmer.” I said, “You’re bad… you should be a caveman”
Eve, who asked Adam, "Does this fig leaf make me look fat?" Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)