Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 544
They waited until I was 20 to tell me I was adopted, and then last Christmas, they told me they were kidding.
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.
And then I realized I was being checked out by guys! And I know they were checking me out, because they were looking at me like I look at tacos. And I thought to myself, "Oh my god, I can turn on a man! Shoot!" And I called my girlfriend, and I said, "Baby, you better not mess this up; I have options!"
Here's how hot my wife is: on our first date, she started talking about kids. Christopher Titus: And I still married her.
I had no problem going into retirement mode, ... I do what other retired guys do. I putter around the house and travel.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
I love my FedEx guy 'cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it. And he's always on time.
Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.
I was doing gigs to stay alive. I worked two or three jobs at a time, there were times when I stayed up for 36 hours straight. I slept in shopping mall parking lots. A stand-up gig paid $35; then I could eat for another few days until the next gig. Literally, I was performing to live.