Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 544

This is a 14th century Ming... thing. Made out of Ming by Mr. Ming during the Ming Period. If you don't like Ming, don't touch this one.

I love my FedEx guy 'cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it. And he's always on time.

Every time you see a black romance it's over-the-top. There always has to be extreme hostility between the sexes. He has to cheat. She has to show him how independently strong she is, not just as a woman but as a black woman.

Modesty is my best quality.

This character feels so much like my brother. He has two children. He has a wife. He works with me. He chooses to stay in New Hampshire because he wants his kids to grow up in the school they started with. He doesn't want them to lose friends. He is his family's hero.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.

So they bother you with it, they bother you with it, they bother you with it. Finally you say, "Gimme the damn present." You open it up and it's dumb. Lucky for you, now you got a couple days, take it back to the store, get something else, so when your mother comes over she don't see you're still married to an idiot!

We're careful not to saturate people.

I like "Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory" because some children deserve to be taken to a chocolate factory and tortured. I like "Dawn of the dead" because you don't normally get to kill all of the zombies hanging out at the mall.

I have short-term memory loss, though I like to think of it as Presidential eligibility.

I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; "but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much".

I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.