Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 544
I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
I'm feeling very vindicated that, when I see the audiences laughing and being moved, we were right.
Nicole Richie’s baby shower is going to be this Sunday at 12:30 in the afternoon. It should be a very special event - many of these people are going to be seeing each other for the first time in broad daylight.
Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world.
I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror; I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash. You need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.
So they bother you with it, they bother you with it, they bother you with it. Finally you say, "Gimme the damn present." You open it up and it's dumb. Lucky for you, now you got a couple days, take it back to the store, get something else, so when your mother comes over she don't see you're still married to an idiot!
My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, "You need to meet other people."
After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.
I don't care who you are, I don't care what you do. If you have four funny stories, you can be a guest on this show. That's what we're looking for.
I grew up watching Letterman, 'Seinfeld,' 'SNL,' and Monty Python movies. But nothing made me want to get into comedy more than when 'Mr. Show' started airing.
I thought those two guys really vibed on each other. They seem to have a very respectful relationship. It felt really sincere. "I respect you, you respect me." And I'm not usually a big fan of sincerity.
Dont give me that shit that weeds a drug. It aint no motherfuckin drug. Ive done the research. Its just a plant. It just grows like that. And if you just happen to set it on fire there are some effects.
We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.
I was watching Maury Povich the other day. He had these people on who say that they've had near death experiences. Do you ever notice they always say the same thing? 'I remember seeing this really bright, white light.' It's like, of course, you pinhead, it's the paramedic looking in your pupils with a penlight.