Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 546
My feeling is this whole country is founded on the principle of "if you are not hurting anyone, and you're not fucking with someone else's shit, and you are paying your taxes, you should be able to just do what you want to do." It's the freedom and the independence.
My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!
It's hard to distinguish when I was actually struggling from when I only felt like I was struggling - which was pretty much always.
I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.
I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book.
Sometimes when jokes fall flat, you feel so alone. You’re like, “Well, I thought this was funny.” Sometimes you can feel really lonely.
I'm going to pull him in tight next to me so only he and I can hear the conversation. And I'm gonna say to him, "Boy, look at me. You see that little girl right there? She's my only little girl, man. She's my life. So if you have any thoughts about huggin', or kissin', you remember these words: 'I've got no problem going back to prison.'"
I'm off to the gym. Replacing good character with good looks is a cornerstone of my comeback stratagem.
I didn't belong when I was in high school. Now people are trying to buy lips.
If there was a God, don't you think he would have flicked Hitler's head off?
Valentine’s Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.
The only thing I miss from the sitcom format is that immediate gratification of when you're, if we're talking about comedy, of the live audience.
Here’s how to make your man like you and desire what you want, which is love. Equate how you feel about your vagina to how we feel about our time and our space… I can’t fuck you against your will, you gotta desire to want to fuck me. If I fuck you against your will, that’s rape. <br /> Now if I’m on the phone and I say, “Look I got to go.” And you say, “Why you gotta go? I want to talk to you some more.” You are raping my time. You are taking something from me. No means no, bitch. I said I got to go. Why are you forcing me to stay on the phone and talk to you about nothing.