Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 546
Dont give me that shit that weeds a drug. It aint no motherfuckin drug. Ive done the research. Its just a plant. It just grows like that. And if you just happen to set it on fire there are some effects.
I just thought everybody lived around abandoned buildings and crack-heads. I lived in the ghetto until I was like 19. I came to Los Angeles, stayed at hotels and stuff. When I got back and I saw what my neighborhood looked like, I started getting scared.
We’re having a traditional Thanksgiving - turkey, mashed potatoes, hat buckles, smallpox, genocide, a blue corn moon, etc.
We hate our national anthem. Because it’s “God Save the Queen,” you see?... Now the Queen lives in a very big house. She has barbed wire outside and people with guns in front of that. That’s one saved fucking queen, I’ll tell you!
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
It’s an amazingly consistent thing with Irish people. We will talk to strangers at parties for hours. It’s what we were bred to do I think. And the Jewish people were bred to write the stuff that we say.
Guys are not good at marriage. It's not our fault; we weren't prepared for it like women are. Your whole life is built just preparation for marriage, every toy you played with. When you're a baby they give you a baby doll. So they give you a baby when you're a baby. You don't even know you're alive yet and they're like, 'Look, I would probably start figuring this out. This is where it's going.' Then they give you Barbie and Ken -- they live in a little house together and that is where you learn how to make drama.
I always hate having to use the gym equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: Clank! Clank! "I'm the two plate guy!" Clank! Clank! "Anyone wanna spot me?" Clank! Clank!
Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.
The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.
You don't know what a rough crowd is. If all I have to do is go make people laugh, that's nothing. Let me tell you what a tough crowd is. A tough crowd is going to a morning service and you got six people there and you gotta pat your house payment. That's a tough crowd.
Once you succeed at something it’s hard to keep it fresh and exciting so you have to keep challenging yourself. You have to be a moving target or it won’t work.
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.