Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 546
I can't tell you 100 percent what makes a relationship work. But I can see something good coming and I can see something bad coming.
I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.
Tori is a teenage girl studying drama, which is kinda like a Mexican taking Spanish.
Famous people are deceptive. Deep down, they're just regular people. Like Larry King. We've been friends for forty years. He's one of the few guys I know who's really famous. One minute he's talking to the president on his cell phone, and then the next minute he's saying to me, Do you think we ought to give the waiter another dollar?
A person asked me, "How do you prepare for the stage?" I told her, "Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all your marbles..."
Peter Minuet, who said to the Indians in modern-day Manhattan, "Will you accept a check from a Puerto Rican bank?" Never got a dinner!
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
That shit [religion] was going on all over the planet. They would tell them about sky cookies, or sky pie, or sky baklava. And as each of these civilizations grew, they built ships; they'd go visit each other, and the one guy would walk off the boat and go,'Hey, did you hear the good news about the sky baklava?' and the first guy went,'It's CAKE, motherfucker! You're dead!'
Sometimes when jokes fall flat, you feel so alone. You’re like, “Well, I thought this was funny.” Sometimes you can feel really lonely.
One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.
I don't do too many jokes about current affairs, because almost every comedian always does that.
We're putting a face on something that a lot of people don't understand, ... And we want to give people some information before they make up their minds and judge us.
The basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.