Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 546

Overheard today in restaurant: "Can you stop listening to our conversation?"

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

And to answer the question that people have about this conspiracy theory that he has a pack in his back, my answer is, if someone was feeding him answers, couldn't they be able to feed him better ones than he came up with?

Smartphones. Who cares? Smartphones. I only have dummy phones.

There is a slim difference between putting on a condom and fucking a balloon.

Gentlemen, start your egos.

Saint Christopher, who said, "Where can I get a Frank Sinatra medal?" Never got a dinner!

I was a loner and never hung out with anyone. I never had any friends.

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

I hope I'm able to relive my future.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favourite band through the phone of the asshole who’s standing on front of me.

I think girls hate each other, no doesn't always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women's sports are boring and the Olympics are gay.

Whats that star? It's the Death Star. What does it do? It does Death! It does Death buddy! Get out of my way.

This is a 14th century Ming... thing. Made out of Ming by Mr. Ming during the Ming Period. If you don't like Ming, don't touch this one.

Don't let anyone try to tell you who you are. Define yourself.