Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 550
When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.
Nobody can ever learn our military's secrets - unless, you know, they happen to have the Discovery Channel. Then, it's pretty easy, just tune in for a few minutes.
Nothing can take the sting off the world's economic problems like watching millionaires present each other golden statues.
I think comedy is definitely a more male oriented field - social commentary, political commentary - I think it's just easier for men to get up and say whatever they want. But I don't think there's that many women who really want to put their toe in the water either. It's not the easiest life or lifestyle to get out there and kind of shake the shit up.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
I didn't belong when I was in high school. Now people are trying to buy lips.
Two people in a relationship either grow together or apart over time.
These people are so rich they don't get crabs... they get lobsters
I don't do too many jokes about current affairs, because almost every comedian always does that.
We declared war on terror - it's not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I'm sure we'll take on that bastard ennui.
I've been chased. I've been pushed. I've been screamed at. I've been verbally abused. I've been afraid for my safety. But I did it all in the name of entertainment.
The Howard Stern Show is a big hit because it entertains dumb and smart people at the same time for different reasons. There's a couple of shows like that, The Simpsons is another one, smart people and stupid people love The Simpsons for totally different reasons; that's why it's a big hit, everybody's either smart or stupid so a lot of people watch it. Our show, smart people and stupid people love it for different reasons and early on in my career I made a commitment to myself; I refuse to cater to stupid people. What we do on the air is just try to be funny and hope that the smart people listen more than the dumb people.
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
If you drink, don’t drive. Or if you do, at least try to crash into some asshole in a Corvette or something.