Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 550
Diamonds are forever, but touching our clit can buy you two or three years.
You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself "god I just wasted half the day".
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes reportedly sleep in separate bedrooms of their mansion, because Tom snores. They also have their own bathrooms... in case Katie has to get up in the middle of the night and ask Tom’s permission to pee.
If you drink, don’t drive. Or if you do, at least try to crash into some asshole in a Corvette or something.
We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.
The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.
The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie – and an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark...
Like with Parks and Recreation, it's so much fun because the people writing it are funny and they're open and you just go in there and have a good time. It's pretty much the easiest job I've ever had.
On stage and in person, I think I am nice, thoughtful, and empathetic. But for some reason when I'm online, I become super aggressive and unhinged. I should probably get off of Twitter and see a therapist.
Your parents put a curse on you Someday your kids are going to act just like you.
Have you ever noticed how quiet you get when you go in the woods? It's almost like you know that God's there.
The mistakes that I made I made because I drank too much. I don't think that's going to happen any more. Am I going to make mistakes as a parent? Sadly, every day. I'm looking around for the perfect parent and I haven't seen one yet.
I'm not even worried about them getting sick of the characters. I want to make sure stuff is still funny to me.
Mike Royce and I have always had success writing what we know. What we know now is that we're middle-aged, neurotic and fat.