Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 550

Think of me as a sex symbol for men who just don't give a damn.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

She goes, 'You just took me bowling to impress me.' 'Well, yes. Another strike for me. Are you ready for my seed yet, or should I move on to juggling?'

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's been in so many motel rooms her nickname is 'Gideon.'

I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.

Some of you are just lying! There's no way you would let your woman freely see your phone.

One year my dad bought my mom a mood ring. Them things work pretty good. When she was in a good mood it was blue and when she was in a bad mood it made a red mark upside my dad’s head.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

First of all never buy a man a plasma TV until youre married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend.

When my parents send me emails the first 3 are blank.

Here in the U.S., we've made democracy into a science. A cold, impersonal science.

Every time you see a black romance it's over-the-top. There always has to be extreme hostility between the sexes. He has to cheat. She has to show him how independently strong she is, not just as a woman but as a black woman.

The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.