Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 550

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.

My films are a form of psychoanalysis, except that it is I who am paid, which changes everything.

Nobody really wants to be a stand-up, they want to get on TV.

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.

Whenever I meet a doctor, I like to pull them aside and say, "You're a doctor, right? Can you get me some... AIDS medicine?"

Originality is never embraced as quickly as the commonplace.

I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? She could say no. Actually, that would be terrible. It would destroy me if she said no.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think…is there nothing on the internet that I won’t masturbate to?

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's been in so many motel rooms her nickname is 'Gideon.'

[about smoke alarms] You burn a bit of toast and it goes *nuts!*

All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake’s career.

P equals the amount of pizza there is. Divided by me plus my friends. Which always comes out to one less than the amount of slices I want to eat. And that equals… bullshit.

It's very simple. There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.