Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 550
Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.
Oh man, I get a lot of junk email. Isn't it annoying? Clutters everything up. I'm starting to sense a theme, though. Apparently, there's a lot of people out there that want to make my penis three inches longer.
There are a lot of questions I keep asking myself about why I do comedy. I guess I laugh to keep from crying. And I guess if you ever get me crying, I might not stop. This is the way I look at tragedy or else I'll cry.
My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.
We’re having a traditional Thanksgiving - turkey, mashed potatoes, hat buckles, smallpox, genocide, a blue corn moon, etc.
Spontaneous, clever, specific, oblique and at the same time very human.
I started writing this feature comedy in New York - a Chris Farley vehicle. The script was decent. When I got to LA, I met some new friends in film school and had them read my script and give me notes.
As far as I’m concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that’s worth believing.
In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.
My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Famous people are deceptive. Deep down, they're just regular people. Like Larry King. We've been friends for forty years. He's one of the few guys I know who's really famous. One minute he's talking to the president on his cell phone, and then the next minute he's saying to me, Do you think we ought to give the waiter another dollar?