Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 551
Mm-mm, no, thank you, no, I don't want an enchilaaadaaa. Nor do I want a burr-eye-to. Or a tay-co. Or any other bizarre, unneccessary vowel substitutions.
Diamonds are forever, but touching our clit can buy you two or three years.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.
My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, "You need to meet other people."
I’ve always wanted to do more significant stuff. I think of myself as well-informed, but the hardest thing to do is talk about politics and current events and be funny and not just preachy.
Do you think we care about the feelings of Native Americans when we celebrate Columbus Day? That's the day that the white man discovered a land where Indians had been living for a few thousand years.
I’m not trying to brag or make you feel small, but I have a cell phone. Let me explain what that is. You know like if you had a phone in your house, except there’s no ropes attached to it.
Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.
A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.
Mike Royce and I have always had success writing what we know. What we know now is that we're middle-aged, neurotic and fat.
I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
Do you guys think its worse to wear a fedora or kill 15 people?
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.