Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 551
I’ve always wanted to do more significant stuff. I think of myself as well-informed, but the hardest thing to do is talk about politics and current events and be funny and not just preachy.
The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie – and an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark...
Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust.
On stage and in person, I think I am nice, thoughtful, and empathetic. But for some reason when I'm online, I become super aggressive and unhinged. I should probably get off of Twitter and see a therapist.
Your parents put a curse on you Someday your kids are going to act just like you.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.
Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.
There were very few women comics when I started out doing stand-up. But I always saw that as a great advantage.
I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us.
There are a lot of questions I keep asking myself about why I do comedy. I guess I laugh to keep from crying. And I guess if you ever get me crying, I might not stop. This is the way I look at tragedy or else I'll cry.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force is one of the funniest shows on TV and I was a little intimidated working with those guys 'cause you're in a sound booth by yourself and they're all in a room in Atlanta.
I went out with a guy the other night. He ordered a salad. I’m sorry, if you ordered a salad as an appetizer, your main course is a cock.