Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 551
Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say "hello". "Hellooo, I invented the telephone!"
I could blame a lot of my life on alcohol and I don’t. I just know I’m a fucking loser.
Haiku sounds like I'm saying hi to someone named Ku. Hi, Ku. Hello.
As far as I’m concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that’s worth believing.
If you’re worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn’t get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
I don't know what possessed me, but yesterday I yelled out the wrong name in the middle of my girlfriend's funeral.
I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? She could say no. Actually, that would be terrible. It would destroy me if she said no.
Before everyone screams for me to get over myself, let me say that it’s no use. I never will.
Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he’s got what it takes to be a priest - or an interior decorator.
I’m dangerously close to getting what I want. Feels a bit weird.
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"