Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 551

Jealousy - the Auschwitz of emotions.

I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad`s room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the gun accidentally goes off and kills his friend. Only in America is the villain in this commercial not guns or bad parenting, but pot.

The only thing I have never done is a Broadway play. I'm not sure I have the discipline necessary to do a Broadway play. I know it holds a fascination for certain actors.

There are a lot of questions I keep asking myself about why I do comedy. I guess I laugh to keep from crying. And I guess if you ever get me crying, I might not stop. This is the way I look at tragedy or else I'll cry.

I started writing this feature comedy in New York - a Chris Farley vehicle. The script was decent. When I got to LA, I met some new friends in film school and had them read my script and give me notes.

Look at this way: if we all ate one person, the problem would be halved over-night. Think about it: I could eat someone you don't like, you could eat someone I don't like... where's the fucking damage?

I don't know what possessed me, but yesterday I yelled out the wrong name in the middle of my girlfriend's funeral.

To love is to risk not to be loved in return.

I always wanted to write as much as perform.

I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book.

Tori is a teenage girl studying drama, which is kinda like a Mexican taking Spanish.

The transformation has been unbelievable. When I started here, I worked in a place where the Sky Room was on the second floor.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Peter Minuet, who said to the Indians in modern-day Manhattan, "Will you accept a check from a Puerto Rican bank?" Never got a dinner!

At night, I'll notice a thigh will just start aching. And this arm, and this...