Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 551

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

I think girls hate each other, no doesn't always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women's sports are boring and the Olympics are gay.

If you stop eating donuts you will live 3 years longer. It's just 3 more years that you want a donut.

We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.

It’s funny because when I was younger my voice would rise when I would talk on the microphone. Now it is sort of like a character for me, a more animated version of myself and my voice is 10 times up from my regular self.

Hulk Hogan’s wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.

I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.

If you ever got too drunk to fish, you might be a redneck.

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.

If you make waffles, throw out the first one.

Dont give me that shit that weeds a drug. It aint no motherfuckin drug. Ive done the research. Its just a plant. It just grows like that. And if you just happen to set it on fire there are some effects.

People Sinatra should have sung with? Slayer.

There are a lot of questions I keep asking myself about why I do comedy. I guess I laugh to keep from crying. And I guess if you ever get me crying, I might not stop. This is the way I look at tragedy or else I'll cry.

My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.