Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 552

It's hip to be square. Remember that shitty song by that shitty band 20 motherfucking years ago?

I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad`s room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the gun accidentally goes off and kills his friend. Only in America is the villain in this commercial not guns or bad parenting, but pot.

People Sinatra should have sung with? Slayer.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force is one of the funniest shows on TV and I was a little intimidated working with those guys 'cause you're in a sound booth by yourself and they're all in a room in Atlanta.

You always hear about the guy who was raised by wolves. You never hear about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. The problem is, you have a non-wolf imparting wolf teachings.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

My career and life are over, and I have nothing to live for.

Overheard today in restaurant: "Can you stop listening to our conversation?"

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

At least gays don’t kill babies before their due date.

Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.

If I drive my SUV I’m supporting terrorism. Okay, I’ll take a taxi, Is that better?

The old days were the old days. And they were great days. But now is now.

What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdink! Yes, that'll work.

I used to think about Cindy Crawford; now, I think about leaving dishes in the sink overnight without a war breaking out.