Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 552
A remembrance can mean nothing to the one remembered; it can only remind the ones left behind how little they did while you were still alive.
Nothing can take the sting off the world's economic problems like watching millionaires present each other golden statues.
Two people in a relationship either grow together or apart over time.
I don't do too many jokes about current affairs, because almost every comedian always does that.
We declared war on terror - it's not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I'm sure we'll take on that bastard ennui.
Once you're heterosexual and comfortable with that, you don't need to take out an announcement every day.
I think girls hate each other, no doesn't always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women's sports are boring and the Olympics are gay.
My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!
Scientists say that Texas and Antarctica were connected at one time. In fact, early Mexicans used to go through Texas to try to sneak into Antarctica.
The only thing I miss from the sitcom format is that immediate gratification of when you're, if we're talking about comedy, of the live audience.
The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie – and an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark...
I grew up watching Letterman, 'Seinfeld,' 'SNL,' and Monty Python movies. But nothing made me want to get into comedy more than when 'Mr. Show' started airing.