Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 552
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself "god I just wasted half the day".
If you drink, don’t drive. Or if you do, at least try to crash into some asshole in a Corvette or something.
People tell me, 'Bill, let it go. The Kennedy assassination was years ago. It was just the assassination of a President and the hijacking of our government by a totalitarian regime — who cares? Just let it go.' I say, 'All right then. That whole Jesus thing? Let it go! It was 2,000 years ago! Who cares?'
Don't let anyone try to tell you who you are. Define yourself.
The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.
Valentine’s Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.
Your parents put a curse on you Someday your kids are going to act just like you.
My mom's always saying really smart things... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one.
I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.
Children are fucking animals, man... you don't believe me, put a three year old alone in a room with a kitten for an hour unattended.
Mike Royce and I have always had success writing what we know. What we know now is that we're middle-aged, neurotic and fat.
I think you sound like an angel, and everyone else sounds like demons.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.