Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 553

The only thing I have never done is a Broadway play. I'm not sure I have the discipline necessary to do a Broadway play. I know it holds a fascination for certain actors.

Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say "hello". "Hellooo, I invented the telephone!"

I could blame a lot of my life on alcohol and I don’t. I just know I’m a fucking loser.

As far as I’m concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that’s worth believing.

As an actor, you generally want to see the other actor's face.

Fish don't blink. Which is the main eye defence. If you're ever trying to get the eye out of a fish and it blinks... it may be a lion.

I starred in a Broadway play that was Sidney Poitier's first directing job and the cast was Lou Gossett, Cicely Tyson, Diana Ladd and I played a Jewish kid who offered himself as a slave to two Columbia University students as reparations.

So because of my act my daughter thinks she can talk to me about anything. She's been dating the same guy since high school and they go to the same college, and she calls me up one night and says "Dad, I wanted to talk to you about Steve." And all I can think is if she tells me she took it up the ass I'm gonna drop dead on the phone. I mean what do you say to that "Daddy, I don't like it in the butt." Yeah, you and your mom both. So she says "Dad, you know Steve and I have been together for a while, and he was wondering what it would be like to go all the way." So I said "Maybe I'll fuck him then he won't have to wonder anymore." See Steve that's what it's like to go all the way... would you stop crying?

America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.

If I want to act relaxed, it’s going to take all my cunning, skill and concentration.

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me?<br /> Murray: A little, around the eyes.<br /> Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh?<br /> Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book.

I'm cool with failing so long as I know that there are people around me that love me unconditionally.

A person asked me, "How do you prepare for the stage?" I told her, "Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all your marbles..."

I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this (tilts glasses sideways) ... "Get away from 'em!"