Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 553

I was a typical kid. I dug holes in the yard, threw rocks, had plum battles with the neighbours and used trash can lids as shields. I was always outside getting dirty.

Don't tell jokes only the band laughs at.

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.

There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.

They put me in Special Ed because they thought I was slow, but I stayed in Special Ed for the ladies.

I have not had sex in almost two years. And I think once you hit two years, you get your virginity back… I’m going to just have to trick somebody into doing it. I’m going to have to cover with leaves and hope somebody falls in.

Whats that star? It's the Death Star. What does it do? It does Death! It does Death buddy! Get out of my way.

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.

I like doing film, you know, single-camera.

We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.

The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie – and an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark...

If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.

I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter.

Halftime at the Super Bowl is the best because halftime at the Super Bowl has gotten exponentially worse every year. I use the word 'exponentially' because I was taught it in math class and that was the first sentence I could use it in. 'Exponentially worse' means crappier and crappier and crappier.