Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 553
The transformation has been unbelievable. When I started here, I worked in a place where the Sky Room was on the second floor.
Nobody can ever learn our military's secrets - unless, you know, they happen to have the Discovery Channel. Then, it's pretty easy, just tune in for a few minutes.
Peter Minuet, who said to the Indians in modern-day Manhattan, "Will you accept a check from a Puerto Rican bank?" Never got a dinner!
At night, I'll notice a thigh will just start aching. And this arm, and this...
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
We declared war on terror - it's not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I'm sure we'll take on that bastard ennui.
The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push.
P equals the amount of pizza there is. Divided by me plus my friends. Which always comes out to one less than the amount of slices I want to eat. And that equals… bullshit.
I think girls hate each other, no doesn't always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women's sports are boring and the Olympics are gay.
Scientists say that Texas and Antarctica were connected at one time. In fact, early Mexicans used to go through Texas to try to sneak into Antarctica.
I’ve always wanted to do more significant stuff. I think of myself as well-informed, but the hardest thing to do is talk about politics and current events and be funny and not just preachy.
We get in the club, and we are totally out of our element. There's this synthesizer-computer music going, there's these laser lights and black lights. It's just not our kind of gig. So we're standing there having a beer and all of sudden my friend goes, 'Hey man, check out that table over there. Those girls'. And there was a table of really young girls. Old enough to be in a bar, but younger than us. And I go 'Yeah'. And he goes 'I think they're checking you out'. I go 'Shut up. They're not checking me out'. Of course, in my head, I'm going 'Hell yeah, they're checking me out! What are you not seeing?'. And he goes 'Nah man, I think they're gonna come over'. I go 'Shut up'. And all of sudden, this one stands up, and she's about 5'10", smoking hot. She's got a little, tight dress on, cut up to the hip and she has locked eyes on me. And my friend goes 'Dude, you are dead'. And I turned around to talk to them and - this is when you know you have really good friends - they have all taken a step back from me. So now I'm just the turd in the punch bowl. And she is walking right at me and I'm thinking 'Oh my God'. In my head, this whole scenario is going down. I'm thinking 'Just be cool, let her down easy...'. And she walks up to me and says 'Hi'. And I go 'Hi'. She goes 'I'm Bridget'. And I go 'Hi Bridget, I'm fifty. And you're hot'. And I go 'So why don't we do this? Look, before this gets awkward, let me just buy your table a round of drinks, we'll call it a night, and it'll be over'. And she goes 'Okay. But we thought you were Cindy's dad. She's puking in the bathroom so we called him'.