Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 553
As long as you don't have sex with kids or kill anybody you can do whatever the fuck you want in my church!
For me, standup will always be some part of my life, and other things will move around and find their place.
Being wealthy when no one else is is like being the only one at the party with a drink.
Nobody can ever learn our military's secrets - unless, you know, they happen to have the Discovery Channel. Then, it's pretty easy, just tune in for a few minutes.
All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows there's no substitute for support, encouragement, or a pit crew.
I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
The basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
In all honesty, we don't know what's in the hearts of other men. All I know is that I respect comedy and I know comedy. I would never, ever, ever take somebody else's joke.
President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way - liquored up in a cheap hotel room.
Don't let anyone try to tell you who you are. Define yourself.
I was very driven as a boy scout. Very driven. Driven everywhere I was.