Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 554
My feeling is this whole country is founded on the principle of "if you are not hurting anyone, and you're not fucking with someone else's shit, and you are paying your taxes, you should be able to just do what you want to do." It's the freedom and the independence.
It’s an amazingly consistent thing with Irish people. We will talk to strangers at parties for hours. It’s what we were bred to do I think. And the Jewish people were bred to write the stuff that we say.
If you’re worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn’t get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.
When exactly did Ted Kennedy become Jabba the Hutt? He's not a macy's day float! Bring him down it's time for elections!
I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book.
If I drive my SUV I’m supporting terrorism. Okay, I’ll take a taxi, Is that better?
Two guys in a gym, one putting on a girdle. One guys says, 'Since when have you been wearing a girdle?' Other guy says, 'Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of our car.'
There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?
I quit because I'm so tired of hearing bad news about cigarettes... Even if they discover good news, they don't publicize it - like the fact that smoking seriously reduces the risk of jogging.
Well, there's no credible link between Iraq and al Qaeda. There's no credible link between Iraq and 9/11.
Nobody can ever learn our military's secrets - unless, you know, they happen to have the Discovery Channel. Then, it's pretty easy, just tune in for a few minutes.