Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 554
He's really committed... to being an alcoholic, and I respect that.
The Mars rover Curiosity has sent back images of some odd things on the surface of Mars, and some people think they could be UFOs. Here's my question. If we're on the surface of Mars, aren't we the UFO?
If M & M's melt in your mouth, not in your hand, what would they do, say... under your arms?
Children are fucking animals, man... you don't believe me, put a three year old alone in a room with a kitten for an hour unattended.
If you take 12 waters from the coconut - not the ones you buy in the store, although that's good - but the fresh coconuts, the little brown ones with the three eyes, if you take 12 of those within 24 hours, your blood will go back to the way it was when you were born.
What's that? My six song album entitled "Bo Fo Sho" is currently available on iTunes? With three songs that have never been heard on the internet? Uh, and if I try to pirate it for free I'll get AIDS? I would have guessed scurvy. Well, see you later ghost of Dr.Martin Luther King Jr.
Spontaneous, clever, specific, oblique and at the same time very human.
I read the New York Times, and if I'm in a different city, I'll skim that paper.
Fish don't blink. Which is the main eye defence. If you're ever trying to get the eye out of a fish and it blinks... it may be a lion.
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"
If I want to act relaxed, it’s going to take all my cunning, skill and concentration.
It's just sad to see some white person trying to do a nigger-less rendition of a Dr. Dre song. It's just fuckin' depressing.