Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 554
Howard's unbelievably nutty, politically incorrect style is probably the single biggest influence on me.
I think girls hate each other, no doesn't always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women's sports are boring and the Olympics are gay.
Bush looked straight into the camera and said 'We must preserve the sanctity of marriage!' You know, straight people are doing such a fucking great job.
I do jokes about the specific guys in the steroids scandal. I feel bad for the guys who did steroids and still suck.
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.
The only thing I miss from the sitcom format is that immediate gratification of when you're, if we're talking about comedy, of the live audience.
Here’s how to make your man like you and desire what you want, which is love. Equate how you feel about your vagina to how we feel about our time and our space… I can’t fuck you against your will, you gotta desire to want to fuck me. If I fuck you against your will, that’s rape. <br /> Now if I’m on the phone and I say, “Look I got to go.” And you say, “Why you gotta go? I want to talk to you some more.” You are raping my time. You are taking something from me. No means no, bitch. I said I got to go. Why are you forcing me to stay on the phone and talk to you about nothing.
The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.
He's really committed... to being an alcoholic, and I respect that.
My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.
I thought those two guys really vibed on each other. They seem to have a very respectful relationship. It felt really sincere. "I respect you, you respect me." And I'm not usually a big fan of sincerity.