Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 555
I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
We declared war on terror - it's not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I'm sure we'll take on that bastard ennui.
The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push.
P equals the amount of pizza there is. Divided by me plus my friends. Which always comes out to one less than the amount of slices I want to eat. And that equals… bullshit.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.
I grew up in a home and in a world in which you can do anything. We were all expected to go to college. My father was a doctor.
This character feels so much like my brother. He has two children. He has a wife. He works with me. He chooses to stay in New Hampshire because he wants his kids to grow up in the school they started with. He doesn't want them to lose friends. He is his family's hero.
Scientists say that Texas and Antarctica were connected at one time. In fact, early Mexicans used to go through Texas to try to sneak into Antarctica.
We get in the club, and we are totally out of our element. There's this synthesizer-computer music going, there's these laser lights and black lights. It's just not our kind of gig. So we're standing there having a beer and all of sudden my friend goes, 'Hey man, check out that table over there. Those girls'. And there was a table of really young girls. Old enough to be in a bar, but younger than us. And I go 'Yeah'. And he goes 'I think they're checking you out'. I go 'Shut up. They're not checking me out'. Of course, in my head, I'm going 'Hell yeah, they're checking me out! What are you not seeing?'. And he goes 'Nah man, I think they're gonna come over'. I go 'Shut up'. And all of sudden, this one stands up, and she's about 5'10", smoking hot. She's got a little, tight dress on, cut up to the hip and she has locked eyes on me. And my friend goes 'Dude, you are dead'. And I turned around to talk to them and - this is when you know you have really good friends - they have all taken a step back from me. So now I'm just the turd in the punch bowl. And she is walking right at me and I'm thinking 'Oh my God'. In my head, this whole scenario is going down. I'm thinking 'Just be cool, let her down easy...'. And she walks up to me and says 'Hi'. And I go 'Hi'. She goes 'I'm Bridget'. And I go 'Hi Bridget, I'm fifty. And you're hot'. And I go 'So why don't we do this? Look, before this gets awkward, let me just buy your table a round of drinks, we'll call it a night, and it'll be over'. And she goes 'Okay. But we thought you were Cindy's dad. She's puking in the bathroom so we called him'.
In March I had a minor heart attack while I was vacationing in Australia. it scared me, but it was nothing compared to what someone had in store for me down the road.
He's really committed... to being an alcoholic, and I respect that.