Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 555
My father was a really funny guy. He lived a good long life. And he was the reason I wanted to be funny and become a comedian and a comedy writer, so to say that he's somewhat of a mythic figure in my life would be an understatement.
Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
With Saturday Night Live you're looking for any hook, any way to stay on the show.
Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.
There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup! That's all it needs! Maybe a saucer underneath the cup - that's it!
Spontaneous, clever, specific, oblique and at the same time very human.
I did fuck a midget once. It's true. Cos I had the opportunity after a show. How could you not, just one time, just to see.
Fish don't blink. Which is the main eye defence. If you're ever trying to get the eye out of a fish and it blinks... it may be a lion.
I know De Niro, you know, it's all famous that he packed on 60 pounds for Raging Bull, but ah, he just did it for one movie, I do that for every movie.
Overheard today in restaurant: "Can you stop listening to our conversation?"
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.