Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 555
Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.
If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is, he's the reason you all live underground.
I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes reportedly sleep in separate bedrooms of their mansion, because Tom snores. They also have their own bathrooms... in case Katie has to get up in the middle of the night and ask Tom’s permission to pee.
Don't let anyone try to tell you who you are. Define yourself.
An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.
My friends all got really into that show 'The Deadliest Catch.' But I never watched it 'cause I always just assumed it was about AIDS. It's about crabs. Don't tune in looking for that 'Big AIDS Hour.'
We don't want any pot-smoking vaginas because that's disgusting. And I saw it once in Indonesia, and I've never been able to get it out of my head.
I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said it over and over again!
My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?