Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 56
What we’ve done with our modern food supply is absolute insanity. It’s not even real any more. You used to be able to give a kid an apple and they would love it. Kids can’t even taste apples any more. Apples taste like paper to kids now.
By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. No really, there's no rationalisation for what you do, and you are Satan's little helpers, OK? Kill yourselves, seriously.
Golden eagles have an interesting way of mating, where they connect in the air while flying at eighty miles an hour and then they start dropping and they don't stop dropping until the act is completed. So it's not uncommon that they both fall all the way to the ground, hit the ground and both of them die. That's how committed they are to this. I thought to myself, 'Boy, don't we feel like wimps for stopping to answer the phone.' I don't know about you, but if I'm one of these two birds, you're getting close to the ground... I would seriously consider faking' it.
I'm going to tell you right now, please, when you use the Windex bottle, never put that shit halfway. Always make sure it's lined up. There's no joke here. Don't do that. Bad things happen to good people. I know somebody here is gonna be like 'Hold on, I gotta try this shit. Hold on one second. What happens if you don't line it up? I just wanna see...' What if when you did that a fucking ghost came out of it? 'Ha ha ha, ah ha ha! He told you not to! I am Windextor. I will clean your soul!'.
It would be great when you enter the DMV, someones just hiding there comes out and punches you in the face... Well waiting in line ain't so bad after the punch in the face.
Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
The only appropriate attitude for man to have about the big questions, is not the arrogant certitude that is the hallmark of religion, but doubt. Doubt is humble and that is what man needs to be, considering that human history is just a litany of getting shit dead wrong.
I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to walk to cure cancer. I'll just write a check.
Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious. It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to.
My gran used to say, "here’s five dollars and don’t tell your mother that I’m giving this to you". I said, "it will cost you more than that".
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'
How's my mama? How's your mama? I will slap you in the mouth with my dick.
We lay out our lives in a narrative we understand, like a movie, but are you enjoying making it or are you wondering "who's watching my movie".