Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 56
I think I failed miserably on NewsRadio. I was very nervous because of the caliber of the cast - especially Dave Foley - so I think I did a terrible job.
Why is marijuana not legal? It's a natural plant that grows in the dirt. Do you know what's not natural? Eighty-year-old dudes with hard-ons. That's not natural. But we got pills for that. We're dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect, but we're putting people in jail for something that grows in the dirt?
What I'm talking about is blasphemy! Blasphe-you! Blasphe-everybody in the room!... hm. 6 person joke, that. There we go.
With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
My parents used to beat the living shit out of me, okay? And I'm glad they did, and I'm looking forward to beating the shit out of my kids!
Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was true, then a proctologist would be an astronaut.
I quit my day job the day my daughter was born. I remember flying to Cleveland and hitting a thunderstorm, which caused the plane to lose pressure, and the oxygen masks fell from the ceiling. We felt the plane dropping; the pilot was taking it down to regain cabin pressure. My heart was in my stomach. I found out after landing that her mom was in labor. I did the show and came back to New York. By the time I walked into the hospital, my daughter was being born. She was waiting for me. She’s a sweet daddy’s girl. She’s premed. She has her own pie company. She works for Habitat for Humanity.
Would you look over there, there's a badger with a gun... can you see? Then new queue! You're in there!
I have no problem with illegal immigration in this country, except for the fact that they don't serve on jury duty. That's horse shit. It should be the other way around - they should serve exclusively on jury duty. Then it finally would be a jury of one's own peers. It's not a stereotype if it's always true; then it becomes law.
Here's a little what it was like for me growing up in Atlanta... They had this ill-fated thing called 'Light Up Atlanta'. So, I'm standing in line... I tap the guy in front of me and say, "Uh, excuse me, can you tell me if this is the line for the beer, or the line to get the tickets to get the beer.' 'I dunno, faggot.' I don't know, faggot? What? What did I do? Was it because I was sucking his cock at the time?
I'm not an atheist. I think god is there and that he is watching and he made us. I just don't give a shit. I don't "believe in god." I have zero idea how everything got here. I would personally say that, if i had to make a list of possibles, God would be pretty far down. But if I were to make a list of people that know what the fuck they are talking about, I would be really far down.