Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 56
I'm going to tell you right now, please, when you use the Windex bottle, never put that shit halfway. Always make sure it's lined up. There's no joke here. Don't do that. Bad things happen to good people. I know somebody here is gonna be like 'Hold on, I gotta try this shit. Hold on one second. What happens if you don't line it up? I just wanna see...' What if when you did that a fucking ghost came out of it? 'Ha ha ha, ah ha ha! He told you not to! I am Windextor. I will clean your soul!'.
I would love to have the faith to believe that the world was created in seven days... but I have thoughts... and that can really fuck up the faith thing, just ask any Catholic priest.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
Remember this advice... Never let your mom comb your hair when she's mad at your dad!
Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick, that you can never drink the same kind of alcohol again? I’ve decided that is how I’m going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.
I don’t know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it’s okie dokie. ‘I’m okie dokie. I’m a little shaken up, but I’m okie dokie.’ ‘The good news is, she’s okie dokie. The surgery went fine.’
We lay out our lives in a narrative we understand, like a movie, but are you enjoying making it or are you wondering "who's watching my movie".
You know those Italian eraser phrases? "That guy is a lowlife scummy little fat rat weasel bastard… I don't mean that in a bad way." Yeah, in the best possible way you can mean that.
I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.
The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.
God... crack. Only in America would a guy invent crack. Only in America would there be a guy that cocaine wasn't good enough for. You know? One guy walking around New York City back in 1985 going, "You know, that cocaine's pretty good, but I want something that makes my heart explode as soon as I smoke it, ok? I want to take one suck off that crack pipe and go (snort) Now I'm happy! I'm dead, the ultimate high!"
When girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
Sometimes when I watch porn I get my hoodie on so I feel creepier. Sometimes I get under computer so it feels like I’m spying on her.
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half." You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16." Then the great day of your life; you become 21. Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. Then you're pushing 40. You reach 50; then you make it to 60. By then you've built up so much speed, you hit 70. After that, it's a day by day thing. You hit Wednesday... You get into your 80's; you hit lunch, you hit 4:30. My Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one." Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was just 92." Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."