Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 55
I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it."
Just go to an airport, stand in front of a person who is waiting for their flight, and stare at them until they notice you are there. When they look at you, just say "Don't get on the flight" and walk away. You know they're sitting there going "I don’t think I should get on this fucking flight.. I think an angel just told me not to get on this flight.. Thank you angel wearing jeans!"
There's something about the ice cream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away. They don't hear their mothers calling but they can hear that motherfucking ice cream truck.
I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.
I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun, and young people should be discouraged from voting.
The Virgin Mary... We have a whole religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story.
The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it.
I was in Boston a couple years ago, and a very drunk girl - they’re always very drunk - ran up to me. And she screams out, ‘You should never make fun of the Holocaust!’ And I said, ‘Why?’ You know, just to be a dick. And she says, ‘Because I lost family in the Holocaust’. And I said, ‘You don’t look Jewish’. And she said, ‘Listen, asshole, There are certain lines you’re not supposed to cross, certain boundaries you’re never supposed to push’. And I said, ‘Hey, hey, hey. I just gave you a compliment’.
I had a 'Simpsons' and 'Everybody Hates Chris' spec and I remember thinking I was never going to hear from them again. Even after meeting with Tina, I left thinking I wasn't going to get it.
The other day my girlfriend complained to me “chivalry is dead. Oh, Anthony, chivalry is dead.” And I told her “No, baby, chivalry isn’t dead. Chivalry is alive and well. You’re thinking of your mom.”
Why is marijuana not legal? It's a natural plant that grows in the dirt. Do you know what's not natural? Eighty-year-old dudes with hard-ons. That's not natural. But we got pills for that. We're dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect, but we're putting people in jail for something that grows in the dirt?
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."
Normally, in February, in Boston and in most of the country, the weather is gray, rainy, gray, sleet, gray, rain, gray, sleet, snow, gray; every day it just gets grayer and grayer and grayer! You wake up one day, and you go, 'I'm not comin' into work today!' Your boss goes, 'Why not? You sick?' 'No! It's too gray!'