Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 55
I recently had sex with a midget. Not on purpose - he was a tricky little fucker. He kept giving me shot after shot after shot of tequila and would keep getting taller and taller and taller.
This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates.
I love coffee. I don’t drink coffee but I love it. I drink tea and I don’t like it. Let me say something about tea. Tea starts out bad and never gets better. You put in honey, cream, sugar, lemon and you still go "Ooh that’s bad!" And the people who make tea know it’s bad. That’s why they give you so many choices. You go into a store and there’s a thousand types of teas. Every herb fruit and spice in every combination. They’re desperate to make this stuff palatable and it almost works. You think, "Wow! Look at this! Apple, cinnamon, mango cherry tea. This should be great. I like all those things... This is going to be just great." You take a sip and go "Nope That’s still very bad."
I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun, and young people should be discouraged from voting.
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."
I was in Boston a couple years ago, and a very drunk girl - they’re always very drunk - ran up to me. And she screams out, ‘You should never make fun of the Holocaust!’ And I said, ‘Why?’ You know, just to be a dick. And she says, ‘Because I lost family in the Holocaust’. And I said, ‘You don’t look Jewish’. And she said, ‘Listen, asshole, There are certain lines you’re not supposed to cross, certain boundaries you’re never supposed to push’. And I said, ‘Hey, hey, hey. I just gave you a compliment’.
The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it.
I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.
The Virgin Mary... We have a whole religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story.
Normally, in February, in Boston and in most of the country, the weather is gray, rainy, gray, sleet, gray, rain, gray, sleet, snow, gray; every day it just gets grayer and grayer and grayer! You wake up one day, and you go, 'I'm not comin' into work today!' Your boss goes, 'Why not? You sick?' 'No! It's too gray!'
The other day my girlfriend complained to me “chivalry is dead. Oh, Anthony, chivalry is dead.” And I told her “No, baby, chivalry isn’t dead. Chivalry is alive and well. You’re thinking of your mom.”
Why is marijuana not legal? It's a natural plant that grows in the dirt. Do you know what's not natural? Eighty-year-old dudes with hard-ons. That's not natural. But we got pills for that. We're dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect, but we're putting people in jail for something that grows in the dirt?