Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 57
The president is on national TV apologizing for getting oral sex. Why didn't he just stick with his lie? You got to stick with your lie. If you lie, you have to believe that lie whole-heartedly. It has to become the truth for you. But this man, the most powerful man in the world, is on national TV apologizing for receiving oral sex. He's an idiot. There are men sitting in here right now who would gladly accept oral sex on national TV.
My sister likes comedy. And she likes it a little mean sometimes. She'll point out your fat ass or ask if you're wearing a wig. She knows how to dish it out, too.
Back when we were tots there was always that one kid in school, that one kid in class, that smelt like piss. Right, Robby was his name, Robby or Obby, he was an Obby name. And Obby didn't just smell like a hint of piss, he didn't smell like a smidgen of piss, that kid smelt like he was dipped in a vat of piss, like he woke up in the morning and said "Woooo! Bring on the piss!" and someone brought on the piss. I don't know who'd bring piss on but you can pretty much hire anyone on Google these days. Just type in "piss painters" or something I'm sure somebody will come over and coat you down with a sheet off piss for a reasonable price.
Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure.
I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
The only appropriate attitude for man to have about the big questions, is not the arrogant certitude that is the hallmark of religion, but doubt. Doubt is humble and that is what man needs to be, considering that human history is just a litany of getting shit dead wrong.
It is never okay to use the toilet with the door open... I never want to know what comes out of there because sometimes I eat at that restaurant.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths. I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: "When you gonna wear these for me?" She goes, "I can't. They're your daughter's." "Aaahh! No, no, no!" There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Fast food I think is like a conspiracy, y’know. I think that’s how they just keep us dumb. You can’t even think after a while, you ever notice that shit? Like you ever had your whole day planned out, you eat one egg McMuffin and you’re just on the couch, ‘Eh, y’know what, fuck my dreams.’
We just bought this house. It's too big. It's like 400,000 square feet, or something. We got an indoor lake and ski slope in the house! It's just too big.