Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 57
I had an argument with my father. I argued that Plato was the Father of Philosophy. My dad takes the opposite position: that I should wax the kitchen floor. I said, “Well, the kitchen floor doesn’t exist, at least not in the permanent sense that the concept ‘floor’ does.” He said “Do you think the concept ‘your skull’ exists?” I said “Yes.” And then he surprised me by juxtaposing the two concepts.
I don’t do up. Sit-ups. Push-ups. Pull-ups. I do downs. Sit down. Lay down. Blackjack, I’ll double down. Give me a cheeseburger, I’ll wolf it down. Put on a little music, I’ll boogie down.
When girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
I would love to have the faith to believe that the world was created in seven days... but I have thoughts... and that can really fuck up the faith thing, just ask any Catholic priest.
If you join a gym, you gotta go a lot for it to work. I don't know how these gay guys do it. It's unbelievable. Every gay guy I know is built like a bodybuilder. When did that start happening? That's totally gonna change the stereotype, right? It's gonna be like, 'Do you think that guy's gay? Is he gay?' 'Oh yeah. He benches, like, 450 pounds.'
Another time we watched this morose, spiky-haired open miker do his entire set laying down on the stage. I guess it was his way of saying, "Fuck standup." From his supine position he mostly did dumb puns. After a couple of minutes my sister turned to me and threw her hands in the air, "I don't get it!"
It is never okay to use the toilet with the door open... I never want to know what comes out of there because sometimes I eat at that restaurant.
You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah... Usually, they're already there.