Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 562

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

Every time a man's being nice to women, he's offering you dick.

I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us.

I'm a lousy piece of ass, and I should know every man i have been with has told me so, I've been there almost every time. I mean, the closest thing I got to a birds and bees talk was with my dad. He was like, "Son, sex is a lot like this egg." "Dad, I think those are drugs." "Whatever, queer." "Why does everyone keep saying that?" "Listen up, son, listen good. You take a woman and crack her over the head and lie her flat. Make sure she sizzles and then flip her over. Don't stand too close or you'll get yellow stuff all over your bacon" What? I see some of you holding your stomach and feeling: "No, you shouldn't." That's a breakfast joke. That's the most important joke of the day. If you don't laugh at that, you're gonna be sleepy around 11:30. And you'll be like, "Why am I so tired?"

The course of true golf never did run smooth.

The only way I would go back to hosting would be if it were something entirely new. It would prevent me from wanting to host a standard-fare kind of talk show.

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

Making you a pioneer only means one thing. You were around at the time.

When I'm late it matters, but when everybody else is late it doesn't matter... If that's the rule then just write it down and then I know, you know... I'll read it and I'll write it down on my balls. Right here. Right here on the back of my balls is where I'll write it. On the very back. I'll just lift them and write it nicely.

Adam, who said to our Lord in the Garden of Eden, "I got more ribs - you got more broads?" Never got a dinner!

Originality is never embraced as quickly as the commonplace.

Hey , I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

Two guys in a gym, one putting on a girdle. One guys says, 'Since when have you been wearing a girdle?' Other guy says, 'Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of our car.'

What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdink! Yes, that'll work.