Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 562

I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.

When you’re pregnant, people feel like they can come up and give you unsolicited advice. When I was nine months pregnant, this one woman came up and she said, "I have one word for you: epidural." And I was like, "Oh my God, thanks. But we already picked a name."

I never thought I'd see the day that I would see white folks as frightened, or more so, than black folks was during the civil rights movement when we was in Mississippi.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

How our government works... it doesn't.

My black-eye and fat lip suggests that 'up the backside'... was definitely the wrong answer, when my girlfriend asked me 'where are you taking me for my birthday?'

Oh man, I get a lot of junk email. Isn't it annoying? Clutters everything up. I'm starting to sense a theme, though. Apparently, there's a lot of people out there that want to make my penis three inches longer.

It’s an amazingly consistent thing with Irish people. We will talk to strangers at parties for hours. It’s what we were bred to do I think. And the Jewish people were bred to write the stuff that we say.

It's like the Fouth of July in my underpants.

He who limps is still walking.

I don't know what possessed me, but yesterday I yelled out the wrong name in the middle of my girlfriend's funeral.

For me, standup will always be some part of my life, and other things will move around and find their place.

Everything I've ever done in my whole career, people might not know, I've never written anything down on paper.

In our day we went from - we went into saloons. We couldn't cross over like you can today, get a television series and all of a sudden you're a major movie star, you know.