Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 562

The odd thing about comedy is that the more personal you are, the larger the audience.

I read the New York Times, and if I'm in a different city, I'll skim that paper.

If you’re worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn’t get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.

I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry.

I like New York. This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, 'Hey, that's mine. Don't pee on that.'

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being "too farfetched".

My friend’s really into similes. He uses a lot of similes. He’s like annoying.

Think of me as a sex symbol for men who just don't give a damn.

I got a lot of positive people around me.

We are the sum total of our choices...

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

You know your heavy metal band's going to suck when you've got a clarinet player.

Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I'm a pervert because I drank our water bed.

I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden - boom - you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.