Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 561

There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

P equals the amount of pizza there is. Divided by me plus my friends. Which always comes out to one less than the amount of slices I want to eat. And that equals… bullshit.

My friends come and ask me "Is it worth it?" I say well shit it better be, I did this shit on purpose!

If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

In all honesty, we don't know what's in the hearts of other men. All I know is that I respect comedy and I know comedy. I would never, ever, ever take somebody else's joke.

Here in the U.S., we've made democracy into a science. A cold, impersonal science.

I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important.

I grew up in a home and in a world in which you can do anything. We were all expected to go to college. My father was a doctor.

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye... and dragged it fifteen feet.

What makes Teflon stick to the pan?

I’m the co-author of two relatively popular relationship books…Because of that I’m asked questions quite a bit… Questions about the relationships the person is in. Generally, it’s a woman. Generally, the answers are pretty easy. “I’ve been seeing this guy, Greg. And he doesn’t call.” He doesn’t like you. That’s it. We don’t have to say any more… They’ll say, “Greg, my boyfriend is married…” Say that back to yourself.

This I before E stuff would've screwed up Einstein. He's got it wrong twice in his name.

I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.

My shrink told me that my happiness was stress related.