Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 561
I don't do too many jokes about current affairs, because almost every comedian always does that.
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.'
I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that.
Ladies and gentlemen, the lower economic and lower middle economic people are not holding their end in this deal. In the neighborhood that most of us grew up in, parenting is not going on.
We have to get out there and touch the people and let them know that you are thinking about them and to try and lift their spirits and get awareness out there to the rest of the country.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
If you drink, don’t drive. Or if you do, at least try to crash into some asshole in a Corvette or something.
How do you come back? It's one step at a time. I'm optimistic because I don't know what else to be.
I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.
It definitely has learning a lesson about the way you're living your life. I wouldn't compare our movie to that, but it has a structure where it's about a man who doesn't appreciate all that he has and finds out at the end that life has been great and he has to enjoy that.
I do jokes about the specific guys in the steroids scandal. I feel bad for the guys who did steroids and still suck.
I like "Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory" because some children deserve to be taken to a chocolate factory and tortured. I like "Dawn of the dead" because you don't normally get to kill all of the zombies hanging out at the mall.