Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 561
I see a Latino comic as someone who can only perform for Latino audiences. I cross the board.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Some of you are just lying! There's no way you would let your woman freely see your phone.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.'
I like doing a bunch of different things, being all over the place.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes reportedly sleep in separate bedrooms of their mansion, because Tom snores. They also have their own bathrooms... in case Katie has to get up in the middle of the night and ask Tom’s permission to pee.
"According to Life & Style Weekly, 50 Cent may be working on Lindsay Lohan’s next album. Finally, a match made in rap heaven. He’s a convicted drug dealer who’s been shot nine times, and she spent 84 minutes in prison. This is a big step for Lindsay. The last time Lindsay got near a black guy she ran over his foot.
This is a 14th century Ming... thing. Made out of Ming by Mr. Ming during the Ming Period. If you don't like Ming, don't touch this one.
Scientists say that Texas and Antarctica were connected at one time. In fact, early Mexicans used to go through Texas to try to sneak into Antarctica.
In March I had a minor heart attack while I was vacationing in Australia. it scared me, but it was nothing compared to what someone had in store for me down the road.