Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 561

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.

There's gratification in making somebody laugh. It's a wonderful sound. I find myself, to this day, doing it, wanting to make people laugh.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

At least gays don’t kill babies before their due date.

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdink! Yes, that'll work.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

But separate a man from his car - that's inhuman.

My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, "You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you."

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I'm not smoking crack. I'm definitely stressed out.

I've been chased. I've been pushed. I've been screamed at. I've been verbally abused. I've been afraid for my safety. But I did it all in the name of entertainment.

Frank Sebastiano is a real write. He has two Emmys, one from 'SNL' and the other from 'The Chris Rock Show' . The only award I have is an FM-mmy.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

I want to do well and I want to fit in.