Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 561
I'm trying to appeal to the disenfranchised everybody, not just specifically gay.
You say you're sick and tired of hearing about me? I've got news for you: I'm sick and tired of hearing about me.
Who applies for that job? Who says "I want to work in lost luggage"? You don't have a good day. That's like having a job emptying port-a-potties. You're just going to catch crap all day long.
I didn't want to fight a guy from England. What if I lose? Not that English guys aren't strong, but who wants to get beat up by a guy with that voice? That's not the most masculine voice to take a beating to.
The Bible’s too wordy. The 10 Commandments are a load of shit. You don’t need all these things. The Bible should be one sheet of paper, and on that sheet of paper it should say: ‘Try not to be a cunt.’
Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears.
When I trip, I feel like that’s the world saying "come here for a second." It just pulls me closer for a second, "yeah what do you want?" "I just want to remind you that you’re uncoordinated." "I’m aware of that, thank you... can I go now?" "Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me." "Ok, world, see you later." "Yeah, I’ll see you in about 50 years."
Your first leader is your dad. 'course he controls your food and shelter, so, he's not really a leader, he's more of a fascist dictator. But dictators have dreams too. Your dad doesn't. He gave them up when he had you. So remember that next time you say, "I don't want to cut the lawn." Just shut up and mow the grass and save the lip for your teachers.
My friends come and ask me "Is it worth it?" I say well shit it better be, I did this shit on purpose!
I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.
Terrible wars have been fought where millions have died for one idea - freedom. And it seems that something that means so much to so many people would be worth having.