Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 563

For me, standup will always be some part of my life, and other things will move around and find their place.

A person asked me, "How do you prepare for the stage?" I told her, "Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all your marbles..."

You know your heavy metal band's going to suck when you've got a clarinet player.

Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do...."

What best defines a child is the total inability to receive information from anything not plugged in.

I'm not smoking crack. I'm definitely stressed out.

The Howard Stern Show is a big hit because it entertains dumb and smart people at the same time for different reasons. There's a couple of shows like that, The Simpsons is another one, smart people and stupid people love The Simpsons for totally different reasons; that's why it's a big hit, everybody's either smart or stupid so a lot of people watch it. Our show, smart people and stupid people love it for different reasons and early on in my career I made a commitment to myself; I refuse to cater to stupid people. What we do on the air is just try to be funny and hope that the smart people listen more than the dumb people.

A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'm messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist.

Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.

Everyone is so weird in L.A. that if you're somewhat normal, it's exotic.

In the forties, to get a girl you had to be a GI or a jock. In the fifties, to get a girl you had to be Jewish. In the sixties, to get a girl you had to be black. In the seventies, to get a girl you've got to be a girl.

Maybe a silver lining to growing old is being able to watch Usual Suspects for the first time, again.

I have weird aspirations. Like, I really want to kick a pigeon.

It’s like I’m not even camping. This is actually a dog couch, but it’s super comfortable.

Which is, I'm an optimist that two people can be together to work out their conflicts. And that commitment, I think, might be what love is, because they both grow from their relationship.