Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 563

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

My friends come and ask me "Is it worth it?" I say well shit it better be, I did this shit on purpose!

If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

Whats that star? It's the Death Star. What does it do? It does Death! It does Death buddy! Get out of my way.

I want to do movies that mean something, that make people laugh and cry great movies, period-piece movies and work with the best people out there, who bring the best out of me.

Here in the U.S., we've made democracy into a science. A cold, impersonal science.

It’s funny because when I was younger my voice would rise when I would talk on the microphone. Now it is sort of like a character for me, a more animated version of myself and my voice is 10 times up from my regular self.

I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.

I took benzedrine - I got clairvoyance. With benzedrine you can have a very wide view of the world, like you can decide the destiny of man and other pressing problems, such as which is the left sock?

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

My shrink told me that my happiness was stress related.

Republicans are just rich, old, white people - that's all they are. You ever see the Republican National Convention? All white people - six black people: paid actors. James Earl Jones in his most difficult, challenging role! Tune in and attempt to watch him look pleased during a George Bush speech. And Clarence Thomas - as himself.

The fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father.

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.

John Kerry said today that he stands by his claim that certain foreign leaders have told him that they hope he wins. And George Bush fired back. He said oh yeah, certain Supreme Court justices have told me that I'm going to win.