Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 563
It definitely has learning a lesson about the way you're living your life. I wouldn't compare our movie to that, but it has a structure where it's about a man who doesn't appreciate all that he has and finds out at the end that life has been great and he has to enjoy that.
So they bother you with it, they bother you with it, they bother you with it. Finally you say, "Gimme the damn present." You open it up and it's dumb. Lucky for you, now you got a couple days, take it back to the store, get something else, so when your mother comes over she don't see you're still married to an idiot!
To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.
She said, “Well, what are you gonna do when these little boys start coming over to the house?” I said, “Oh, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna pull the young man in tight next to me so only he and I can hear the conversation. I’m gonna whisper in his ear and I’m gonna say, ‘Boy, look at me. You see that little girl there? That’s my only little girl, man. She’s my life. So if you have any thoughts about hugging or kissing, you remember these words: I got no problem going back to prison.’
The mistakes that I made I made because I drank too much. I don't think that's going to happen any more. Am I going to make mistakes as a parent? Sadly, every day. I'm looking around for the perfect parent and I haven't seen one yet.
And my friend is black, but I don't know what to call him. So I just call him Jamal Even though his name is Steve.
But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me to improvise, and I love the spontaneity of that, and I think I'm funny behind the desk when interviewing someone.
C'mon cab driver, enough with the hard braking! I'm trying to make love back here.
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.
If we were truly created by God, why do we occasionally bite the insides of our mouths?
I chose Journalism by default. I always loved TV, and I had no idea what else to do, so I studied what interested me.
Are any terrorists listening to this podcast? Are ya? In a fuckin' cave right now jerkin' off to your 72 virgins or whatever the hell they're promising ya. First of all, they're not there. When ya die, ya go in the ground. Okay? That's where you're goin'. So what ya wanna do is ya wanna try to stay alive. Ya know? Meet yourself a cute fuckin' lady. Have a cookout. Ride a bicycle; feel the wind in your fuckin' hair... or in your beard. Ya know? Whata ya doin'?