Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 563

Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that's supposed to be wrong, everything that's forbidden.

Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

Tori is a teenage girl studying drama, which is kinda like a Mexican taking Spanish.

You say you're sick and tired of hearing about me? I've got news for you: I'm sick and tired of hearing about me.

The problem is that your daughter has given her heart to a 15-year-old boy, and a 15-year-old boy does not yet qualify as a human being.

Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.

The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push.

Your first leader is your dad. 'course he controls your food and shelter, so, he's not really a leader, he's more of a fascist dictator. But dictators have dreams too. Your dad doesn't. He gave them up when he had you. So remember that next time you say, "I don't want to cut the lawn." Just shut up and mow the grass and save the lip for your teachers.

Wow! Lee, we got a big ass problem.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won’t let me plug it in.

Esther, warn me before you come in so I have a chance to cover all of the mirrors!

I wanna open up a maternity shop and call it "We're fucked".

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

NASA! There's a crack unit, huh? These guys make Amtrak look like a team of micro surgeons. The Soviets are building Chuck E Cheeses' on Mars, we break out the party hats if we get down to three in the countdown.