Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 563

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

But separate a man from his car - that's inhuman.

If Mandela were a comedian, I bet he would never get mad at a heckler, he'd give him or her a hug.

Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I'm a pervert because I drank our water bed.

I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden - boom - you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.

Southwest Airlines is like my period: it hurts my back and it's always late.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"

There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Christmas is a time for joy, love and peace. And frothing hot vengeance that will never cease. So no matter the volume of fussing you fuss or the wide angry streams of cussing you cuss, your fate is sealed when in mussing you muss with the nastiest of nasties, the Kenge. Well, Ken Titus.

Comedy comes from a place of hurt. Charlie Chaplin was starving and broke in London, and that's where he got his character 'the tramp' from. It's a bad situation that he transformed into comedic one.

I've got a big closet of scripts, and a big stack of scripts on the side of my desk, because you get a whole bunch. Nothing's going to be perfect, and I realize that; but I am a perfectionist, so you go through a lot of stuff.

Kids need to be educated about sex and sexuality and if they're going to have sex, learn how to protect themselves and not get pregnant.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.