Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 581
Whoo! Heidi! Little goat girl, you are kicking the jam. You've got my lederhosen in a situation.
President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way - liquored up in a cheap hotel room.
I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.
Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.
There are many different kinds of assholes in the world. But there's one particular kind of asshole that you see at the airport that's so annoying, and that is the person that is dressed like the destination to which it is they are flying. Do you know what I'm saying? The people that wear what they think the native costume of the land is that their going to. We're going to Denver, and I swear to you, this motherfucker had a parka made of bears.
Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.
I didn't want to be nobody, and that was the only way I could be somebody was to do stand-up.
Every time I come back to New York, I feel like Rutger Hauer at the end of Blade Runner: 'I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.' I have been to the upper peninsula of Michigan. That is remote in the extreme. It's like Lord of the Flies up there, with significantly more beards.
No woman can be completely happy at any one moment in time. They're always anticipating the next thing to argue or complain about.
Find out who you are and figure out what you believe in. Even if it's different from what your neighbors believe in and different from what your parents believe in. Stay true to yourself. Have your own opinion. Don't worry about what people say about you or think about you. Let the naysayers nay. They will eventually grow tired of naying.
Nature knew what she was doing when she figured out the penis and the cunt.
Back in '93 I saw my first UFC fight and just became enamored by it then.