Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 581
I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities. I like to call them "places to put stuff." Do you know where I can store a pea? Yes, I have some locations available.
I think you sound like an angel, and everyone else sounds like demons.
I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.
There's a big difference between "poll workers" and "pole workers." Sadly.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.
President Bush said for security reasons, he's sworn off all e-mail communication. He will not be using email at the White House at all. Is that a good idea? I mean, it's not like that speaking thing was working out so good.
I’m a white guy with a black sister. How could I be racist? “I can’t stand black people. They’re always reading my diary.” And I know I just told you I keep a diary. But before you judge me, let me say that if you were a white Jewish kid with a black sister, you’d start writing things down too.
I've never been one to sit back and go, "I'd better do what the audience wants me to do, because I don't want to lose them."
I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
Peter Minuet, who said to the Indians in modern-day Manhattan, "Will you accept a check from a Puerto Rican bank?" Never got a dinner!
Socrates was killed… by his own people. He was! Coz he questioned everything… ‘When is a house a house?’ ‘Just chill-out will you?’ ‘If I’m out of the house am I chilling-out? Am I chilling-in if I’m in the house? Ugg, ahhh.’ ‘What is a sword? Is it made of folded metal?' 'If I die on the floor can I get up in these heels?’