Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 581

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.

Seriously, I don't need a gun. I'm easily annoyed. I would shoot people in my house that I invited over.

Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won’t let me plug it in.

Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, "No, but I did get the license number".

You should be like Calvin. His best friend was a tiger, and he went on dope adventures, and if anything got in his way, he’d just pee on it.

You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself "god I just wasted half the day".

You know what I learned about Hawaiians? They're just blown up Mexicans!

I would get my student loans, get money, register and never really go. It was a system I thought would somehow pan out.

I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt.

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

I wanted to be the best that I could be, first for myself, then for an audience. I love to see a smile on somebody's face... If I can tell someone a story that makes them bend over and laugh, that's bigger than anything else.

I think comedy should be left up to the professionals, that way everyone’s safety is protected.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.