Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 581

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself "god I just wasted half the day".

When I am outside at night by myself every person turns into a pedophile. So I tend to walk a little faster than usual and then I sprint.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges.

I started acting at the University of Michigan in my sophomore year.

The pill, now that's a good invention, just for the fact that everybody here knows exactly which pill I'm talking about. I gave you "the" and a very vague noun and everybody's onboard!

You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.

I grew up watching Letterman, 'Seinfeld,' 'SNL,' and Monty Python movies. But nothing made me want to get into comedy more than when 'Mr. Show' started airing.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, "Act your age." She died.

Oil prices jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it's due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it's just a temporary thing.

I found people looked better when they laughed.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

A tank is made to drive and shoot with a turn that spins at 360 degrees. Do you know what that is? That's a drive-by!

He was great enough to be loose and funny about it.