Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 581
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
My girlfriend is pregnant. She asked me if we should have it and I said yes. We should have it cremated.
I think the English are bipolar. ‘We’re the greatest, no we’re terrible’ – that’s a constant English struggle. Crime is down, there’s little poverty – yet it’s always the worst time to have lived here.
You can never go wrong betting on Americans' bad eating habits. So I've made a ton investing in all fast food chains, while at the same time investing in Dockers, spandex, Spanx, and sweatpants. Basically, anything with an elastic waistband is a goldmine.
I'm sick and tired of our generation being called the TV generation. What do you expect? We watched Lee Harvey Oswald get his brains blown out all over. How could we change the channel after that?
Haiku sounds like I'm saying hi to someone named Ku. Hi, Ku. Hello.
A spontaneous interview feels differently than anything else you see on television.
You probably won’t get laid at your prom. Try, because this may be one of the last chances…where it’s cool to have sex with a high school girl.
If we don't have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good?
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.
You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.
Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong - normally you wouldn't say, thank God I have gas.
Judge Judy went to the hospital because she was having intestinal troubles. Turns out, she hates her own guts.
That’s why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit down. He knew he wasn’t going to win, so why stand there for 3 hours. First round. "Cat, K-A-T, I'm outta here." Then as he passed you, "Ha! I know there's 2 T's."