Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 582
Married or Single? There is no good choice. It’s like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?
I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are...
Nature knew what she was doing when she figured out the penis and the cunt.
I'm quite good at taking in information so I voraciously inhale Wikipedia - which may have some things wrong in it, but I think is generally more information than we had before. Last tour we didn't have Wikipedia. And then Discovery Channel and History Channel. I can take it in and retain what I think are the most important facts.
I don't want to be known as this goody-two-shoes who can only do comedies where puppies are licking peanut butter off my face.
My feeling is this whole country is founded on the principle of "if you are not hurting anyone, and you're not fucking with someone else's shit, and you are paying your taxes, you should be able to just do what you want to do." It's the freedom and the independence.
The fact they're not there anymore is not a reflection on the actors. It's just that viewers didn't like it. You went, 'What the hell was that?'
A spontaneous interview feels differently than anything else you see on television.
You have to be funny about it and honest about it. You can't leave yourself out of that mix. You have to be honest enough to say, I'm that messed-up one in the family.
It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.
It's great having Bruce Springsteen on my show. We have so much in common! We're both from New Jersey, just from different neighborhoods. Sort of like how Martin Luther King and Margaret Mitchell both came from Atlanta. But from different neighborhoods.
I am experiencing humiliation… Blood boiling, anger rising up ready to explode, then falling back in on myself in the familiar shower of self loathing.
The X-Games - I watch that; I'm not impressed. That's white dudes' desperation. They're running out of sports. They gotta find something that black dudes won't touch.