Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 582
I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
A tobacco-company now advertise that you can get a packet of cigaretts for $1. The cost of dying is really going down now.
I could be talking about cats and someone who’s a cat owner can go, “Hey man, you shouldn’t talk about cats!” and I’m like, “I bet you if your cat was sitting here he wouldn’t know what the fuck I was talking about.”
"A national day of prayer"? Does that scare the spine out of anyone? Especially when you consider that it's all those dog-shit religions that start these fucking wars to begin with. Ninety percent of every war that's ever been fought is because of some made-up, mind control, completely fictional religion.
We all hold on to some image of the family we want, based one way or another on the family we had. Lots of people are thrilled about the families they came from, others couldn't get away fast enough. Most people fall into that vast middle ground: great affection mixed with a few ideas for improvement. A couple of things they wish could have perhaps been done differently.
It is not important to know what facts are true. The relationships portrayed are real. My mother did have a job interview with my father. She worked alongside him for awhile, they dated, were married and had a family. She never did get to the World's Fair.
Seriously, I don't need a gun. I'm easily annoyed. I would shoot people in my house that I invited over.
Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, "No, but I did get the license number".
Whoo! Heidi! Little goat girl, you are kicking the jam. You've got my lederhosen in a situation.
[No Longer Attractive to Young Girls] I'm just saying, 'Hey, throw me a bone. How about a smile, cute t-shirt? Look at me.' Nothing -- unless it's a turn to their friends to go, 'Hey, why is that weird guy looking at us?'
President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way - liquored up in a cheap hotel room.
Esther, warn me before you come in so I have a chance to cover all of the mirrors!
You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple, or green." Uh, hold on now: purple or green?! You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocating, then help 'em.