Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 582
My beautiful rescue dog, Bella Luna Lewis, has decided to put me up for adoption.
They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.
What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.
A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.
Esther, warn me before you come in so I have a chance to cover all of the mirrors!
I started acting at the University of Michigan in my sophomore year.
You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.
I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling… the rest I spend foolishly.
This I before E stuff would've screwed up Einstein. He's got it wrong twice in his name.
There are many different kinds of assholes in the world. But there's one particular kind of asshole that you see at the airport that's so annoying, and that is the person that is dressed like the destination to which it is they are flying. Do you know what I'm saying? The people that wear what they think the native costume of the land is that their going to. We're going to Denver, and I swear to you, this motherfucker had a parka made of bears.