Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 582
I've never been one to sit back and go, "I'd better do what the audience wants me to do, because I don't want to lose them."
I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won’t let me plug it in.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
When we talk about values, I think of rationality in solving problems. That’s something I value. Fairness, kindness, generosity, tolerance. When they talk about values, they’re talking about things like going to church, voting for Bush, being loyal to Jesus, praying. These are not values.
I always loved art teachers because they were so bizarre. They were like the homeless people of the faculty -- all disheveled, wearing smocks, covered in paint, always digging through the garbage, looking for bottles and egg cartons and things.
I just feel like history is very much alive and important and I don’t, you know, I can’t worry about whether people get it or not, per se.
A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry - that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three-Mile Island.
This I before E stuff would've screwed up Einstein. He's got it wrong twice in his name.
I started doing the star turn and making a profit off it. Now I'm kind of one of them.
So hello! I'm good at hello, I'm not very good with goodbye, especially on the phone. I don't know what's happened, every time I say goodbye I sound like a fucking idiot. What is it? You sound like a child, you feel it coming when you're on the phone. It can be a very serious conversation "of course I'll be at the funeral, I loved your father deeply, I'll say a few words. [high pitched] Byeeeeee!" Why am I doing that?
I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous.
The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.
Grew up in a small town where there was only one crazy guy. He didn't even go insane doing anything good, like going to 'Nam or having an extended acid trip. Turns out - legend has it - he just had some bad cheese.