Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 580
I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Nature knew what she was doing when she figured out the penis and the cunt.
I didn’t realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents… my dad told me “you’re good; you should be a computer programmer.” I said, “You’re bad… you should be a caveman”
Pliny the Elder, who when Rome was burning requested Nero to play "You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lucille." Never got a dinner!
Grew up in a small town where there was only one crazy guy. He didn't even go insane doing anything good, like going to 'Nam or having an extended acid trip. Turns out - legend has it - he just had some bad cheese.
My feeling is this whole country is founded on the principle of "if you are not hurting anyone, and you're not fucking with someone else's shit, and you are paying your taxes, you should be able to just do what you want to do." It's the freedom and the independence.
The fact they're not there anymore is not a reflection on the actors. It's just that viewers didn't like it. You went, 'What the hell was that?'
And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.
Guys are not good at marriage. It's not our fault; we weren't prepared for it like women are. Your whole life is built just preparation for marriage, every toy you played with. When you're a baby they give you a baby doll. So they give you a baby when you're a baby. You don't even know you're alive yet and they're like, 'Look, I would probably start figuring this out. This is where it's going.' Then they give you Barbie and Ken -- they live in a little house together and that is where you learn how to make drama.
It's great having Bruce Springsteen on my show. We have so much in common! We're both from New Jersey, just from different neighborhoods. Sort of like how Martin Luther King and Margaret Mitchell both came from Atlanta. But from different neighborhoods.