Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 580
Esther, warn me before you come in so I have a chance to cover all of the mirrors!
I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges.
I started acting at the University of Michigan in my sophomore year.
The stream-of-consciousness style is my monkey trick. I sit there, I watch stuff, and cultural references bump into my head.
I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.
It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are ‘taking a break.’ Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
I went to see one of those X-rated pictures the other night, and I couldn't believe my eyes. So I stayed to see it a second time.
This I before E stuff would've screwed up Einstein. He's got it wrong twice in his name.
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
There are many different kinds of assholes in the world. But there's one particular kind of asshole that you see at the airport that's so annoying, and that is the person that is dressed like the destination to which it is they are flying. Do you know what I'm saying? The people that wear what they think the native costume of the land is that their going to. We're going to Denver, and I swear to you, this motherfucker had a parka made of bears.
When you’re pregnant, people feel like they can come up and give you unsolicited advice. When I was nine months pregnant, this one woman came up and she said, "I have one word for you: epidural." And I was like, "Oh my God, thanks. But we already picked a name."