Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 580

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say 'Take off your clothes'?

The greatest missile in the world is useless... unless it's targeted. A torpedo is adrift unless it has someplace to go. An arrow is pointless unless it hits something. So it's important for kids - for everyone, even if you fail at first - to target something and head in that direction. With all your might.

Don’t blame your failure on haters. If everyone thinks you suck, they’re not haters. They’re right.

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.

I’m not fat. I’m fluffy!

Emotionally, the hardest part about living for me is being me.

My swag is always capital and live in north Virginia.

Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.

Do you need a pain reliever that works? Picky shits, ain't ya?

I would believe in reincarnation but too many of me ex-girlfriends did and it isn't worth the risk.

Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?

We work very, very hard to find that fine line where location is meaningful enough to be interesting to an advertiser but not so intrusive that it interrupts the creative flow of the show.

I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities. I like to call them "places to put stuff." Do you know where I can store a pea? Yes, I have some locations available.