Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 580
Nobody ever celebrates the "Why me?!" God blaming terminally ill. We should, if only for the contrast they provide.
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
I don't know why men are so fascinated with television and I think it has something to do with - if I may judge from my own father, who used to sit and stare at the TV while my mother was speaking to him - I think that's a man's way of tuning out.
I made the mistake early in my career, when I moved to Hollywood, of being attracted to actresses. I used to go out exclusively with actresses and other female impersonators.
Find out who you are and figure out what you believe in. Even if it's different from what your neighbors believe in and different from what your parents believe in. Stay true to yourself. Have your own opinion. Don't worry about what people say about you or think about you. Let the naysayers nay. They will eventually grow tired of naying.
On GM crops: I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of velcro, to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles. But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding velcro so it's a bit of a long shot.
And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
I watched Master Class with Lorne Michaels on OWN. How can somebody produce a sketch show and talk for an hour and not say something even slightly amusing, or sarcastic, or ironic, or interesting, or informative? ‘My mission as a producer is to encourage creativity.’ Mission accomplished.
A tobacco-company now advertise that you can get a packet of cigaretts for $1. The cost of dying is really going down now.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
You say you're sick and tired of hearing about me? I've got news for you: I'm sick and tired of hearing about me.
We all hold on to some image of the family we want, based one way or another on the family we had. Lots of people are thrilled about the families they came from, others couldn't get away fast enough. Most people fall into that vast middle ground: great affection mixed with a few ideas for improvement. A couple of things they wish could have perhaps been done differently.
I didn't want to fight a guy from England. What if I lose? Not that English guys aren't strong, but who wants to get beat up by a guy with that voice? That's not the most masculine voice to take a beating to.