Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 580

The captain of the Titanic, who said to room service, "Who sent for all this ice?" Never got a dinner!

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdink! Yes, that'll work.

I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said "made from natural and artificial flavors." You could just say "flavors."

If reading makes you smart then how come when you read a book they have to put the title of the book on the top of every single page? Does anyone get halfway through a book, "What the hell am I reading?"

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think…is there nothing on the internet that I won’t masturbate to?

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.

Unfortunately, most college kids these days aren't coming from any place - they seem to ask the same kind of questions over and over again.

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

For most of my relationships, I would have liaisons, and I would feel guilty.

I have girlfriends who will text message naked photos of themselves to their man. Which, I guess the whole point of that is, to be like, 'Here's what's waiting for you at home, big boy.' If I was to do a 'here's what's waiting for you at home' photo shoot, I would take some pictures of the frigging dishes, the bills right now. My vagina's not waiting for you at home at all.

I am always hoping to do another CD. This atmosphere has been difficult.

I would be dishonorable in a relationship because I wasn't getting what I wanted from that person.

I just try to get people to laugh - I'm not trying to change the world or anything.

I'm not saying I'm some high priestess. I do things, I'm sure, that are damaging, but it's certainly not on purpose.