Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 586

I don't want to be known as this goody-two-shoes who can only do comedies where puppies are licking peanut butter off my face.

I have added a lot. There's some Vegas stuff and hotel stuff and a whole chunk on health.

I recently attended a pro-drug rally... in my basement.

Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he’s got what it takes to be a priest - or an interior decorator.

A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."

If you do stories, or material with a lot of tags, or afterthought lines, you’ll probably have to cut those out. In other words, you’ll have to strip-mine your material and “lean” it up for time constraints.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

The greatest missile in the world is useless... unless it's targeted. A torpedo is adrift unless it has someplace to go. An arrow is pointless unless it hits something. So it's important for kids - for everyone, even if you fail at first - to target something and head in that direction. With all your might.

While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like.

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?

Socrates was killed… by his own people. He was! Coz he questioned everything… ‘When is a house a house?’ ‘Just chill-out will you?’ ‘If I’m out of the house am I chilling-out? Am I chilling-in if I’m in the house? Ugg, ahhh.’ ‘What is a sword? Is it made of folded metal?' 'If I die on the floor can I get up in these heels?’

Don't give up your power.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I just try to get people to laugh - I'm not trying to change the world or anything.