Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 586

America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.

Young. Old. Just Words.

Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that's supposed to be wrong, everything that's forbidden.

A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.

The world really changed after 9/11, not just in the tragic way, but in every way. So it took me a couple of years to even understand how my art form I could process any of this. When the world changed, eliciting laughter with subjects that were funny to me before 9/11 just didn't seem good enough.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I almost bought a DeLorean the other day just because. If I see something that I think is cool and I like it, I'll go for it.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

Life.....is a series of dogs.

Julius Caesar’s wife, who said to Julius, "We are not naming our son Sid!" Never got a dinner!

The higher up I went, the less happy I was.

All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows there's no substitute for support, encouragement, or a pit crew.

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.