Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 586
To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won't hit you because you are a vegetarian.
I really don't like art with a message. If you have a message that really needs to be said, just fucking say it.
I didn't want to be nobody, and that was the only way I could be somebody was to do stand-up.
I’ve got keys to crap I’ve never owned. You put all my keys together I could be a high school janitor tonight.
If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married.
You know when they show someone washing their hair under a waterfall? That's crazy. That would knock you on your butt.
I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".
I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry.
Sometimes you forget you're famous. You wonder, Why is that person staring at me?
There's gratification in making somebody laugh. It's a wonderful sound. I find myself, to this day, doing it, wanting to make people laugh.
I am experiencing humiliation… Blood boiling, anger rising up ready to explode, then falling back in on myself in the familiar shower of self loathing.
My friend’s really into similes. He uses a lot of similes. He’s like annoying.
I could be talking about cats and someone who’s a cat owner can go, “Hey man, you shouldn’t talk about cats!” and I’m like, “I bet you if your cat was sitting here he wouldn’t know what the fuck I was talking about.”
The problem with vampires is they look like they're 20, but they're actually 100 years old. So you'll be dating this hot, young guy who grew up in the Great Depression and hates Irish people. And then you take him out to a nightclub, and he's doing the Charleston. Or you think he's cheating on you, so you go through his journal. You're like, 'Who the hell is this slut? Harriet Tubman? Who the fuck is that?'