Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 585
Sometimes you forget you're famous. You wonder, Why is that person staring at me?
Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.
I'm not saying I'm some high priestess. I do things, I'm sure, that are damaging, but it's certainly not on purpose.
I am the biggest fag hag. I love my gay male friends so much. But when I was a little girl I always wished I would be constantly surrounded by gorgeous guys. And I am. And I should have been more specific.
It's not all about love. That's half of it... The other half is about that moment you have with yourself when you're looking in the mirror, and you just go, 'Oh man. I'm going to compromise my dreams, get fat, sick, old and die someday. I kind of want to have someone around for that.'
I wasn't feeling it, really. But I just had to do what I had to do. It turned out the better for me.
Most parts in comedy, they're not really written for men. They're written for, like, these boy-men.
Democrats are calling Christine O'Donnell 'the Sarah Palin of the East.' Really? She's a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That's not Sarah Palin, that's Joe Biden.
I don't like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can't figure out. Anybody can have one, OK? I could have had three if I had gone through with any of my pregnancies.