Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 585
I just try to get people to laugh - I'm not trying to change the world or anything.
I realized recently that what I need to find is a woman who love me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
You know what I learned about Hawaiians? They're just blown up Mexicans!
I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.
A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.
Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.
The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.
There are many different kinds of assholes in the world. But there's one particular kind of asshole that you see at the airport that's so annoying, and that is the person that is dressed like the destination to which it is they are flying. Do you know what I'm saying? The people that wear what they think the native costume of the land is that their going to. We're going to Denver, and I swear to you, this motherfucker had a parka made of bears.
I know you people, you're the smart ones. You're not the ones going down the freeway with a seatbelt hanging out the door makin' sparks. You're not the ones goin' over the overpass with the turn signal on. Where are they gonna turn? You almost wish they would.
There are three kinda men in the world. There's men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
C'mon cab driver, enough with the hard braking! I'm trying to make love back here.