Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 585
The world really changed after 9/11, not just in the tragic way, but in every way. So it took me a couple of years to even understand how my art form I could process any of this. When the world changed, eliciting laughter with subjects that were funny to me before 9/11 just didn't seem good enough.
And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'
I just want people to know, “this dude is a funny dude. I’m a fan of this dude. Now I’m looking forward to the next one.”
Who applies for that job? Who says "I want to work in lost luggage"? You don't have a good day. That's like having a job emptying port-a-potties. You're just going to catch crap all day long.
It's been a struggle for me because I had a chance to be white and refused.
A new survey shows that married women are having 40 percent more extramarital sex than 20 years ago. Scientists say that number drops significantly when they subtract your mom.
I realized recently that what I need to find is a woman who love me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
I don’t like when I go in a store and they call me "Boss." "Hey boss, can I help you, boss?" When they call me boss, I go, "I got some bad news… I’m gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I’ll give you severance, and give me the rest."
Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.
I don't like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can't figure out. Anybody can have one, OK? I could have had three if I had gone through with any of my pregnancies.
I know you people, you're the smart ones. You're not the ones going down the freeway with a seatbelt hanging out the door makin' sparks. You're not the ones goin' over the overpass with the turn signal on. Where are they gonna turn? You almost wish they would.
When you’re pregnant, people feel like they can come up and give you unsolicited advice. When I was nine months pregnant, this one woman came up and she said, "I have one word for you: epidural." And I was like, "Oh my God, thanks. But we already picked a name."