Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 585
You might be a redneck if you think subdivision is part of a math problem.
When you do comedy to troops you stay on an army base, but in Bahrain you could actually leave the base and go to the downtown Bahrain. When you go out there they're like, 'Look, it's safe just don't draw attention to yourself. Don't wear American t-shirts and stuff.' And you're like, 'All right that's fine, no American t-shirts. So what are you going to do about the white on my skin?'
There's gratification in making somebody laugh. It's a wonderful sound. I find myself, to this day, doing it, wanting to make people laugh.
I don't consider myself a comic but a performer. A comic tells bad jokes.
I could be talking about cats and someone who’s a cat owner can go, “Hey man, you shouldn’t talk about cats!” and I’m like, “I bet you if your cat was sitting here he wouldn’t know what the fuck I was talking about.”
We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.
You might be a redneck if you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.
If Mandela were a comedian, I bet he would never get mad at a heckler, he'd give him or her a hug.
I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school.
They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.
Don’t blame your failure on haters. If everyone thinks you suck, they’re not haters. They’re right.