Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 587
You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.
You ever talk about a movie with someone who read the book? They're always so condescending, "Ah, the book was much better than the movie." "Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie? No reading. It only took two hours, and then I could take a nap."
We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.
That's the beauty of being a comedian - it's the one job you're allowed to do that. We're lucky. We're really lucky.
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
Our grandparents fucking ate anything put in front of them! Your granddad would say "What's for tea, love?" "Tripe!" "Oooooohh! Animal stomach lining for fucking tea, man!" They ate anything, fucking monkey's phlegm, orangutang's bollocks. I dunno I'm just making them up now... chicken's quiff!
My beautiful rescue dog, Bella Luna Lewis, has decided to put me up for adoption.
I think there’s aliens. I just think they’re smarter than us and that’s why we don’t know they’re here. Like, fish don’t know we’re up here, but we’re certainly snagging them whenever we feel like it.
Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.
I've got a big closet of scripts, and a big stack of scripts on the side of my desk, because you get a whole bunch. Nothing's going to be perfect, and I realize that; but I am a perfectionist, so you go through a lot of stuff.
When I was a kid I did impressions and funny voices a lot. When I was telling a story I would use the voices to make it more entertaining.
The bile makes it better. I am an information wasting machine - 100s of words a day.
You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.