Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 587

I started this craze that's sweeping, no, it's Swiffering the nation.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

I really don't like art with a message. If you have a message that really needs to be said, just fucking say it.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

My wife is going to kill me. But you look like my wife, so that's Ok!

It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, he was a Klingon.

You guys like impressions? Why?

Nothing makes a white guy feel safer than seeing a trolly, you never feel you're gonna get fucked up when you're around a trolly.

Back in '93 I saw my first UFC fight and just became enamored by it then.

Don't drink on weekends either... if you are gonna feel like shit tomorrow, drink Sunday through Thursday.

I work a lot and I like to get out and work but the work I do to make the other work work I'm not very good at.

I have added a lot. There's some Vegas stuff and hotel stuff and a whole chunk on health.

I just got punked by a homeless man, he asked me 4 some $ so I gave him $5..this bitch had the nerve 2 say "WTF am I suppose 2 do with this" I then said "Get sumthin 2 eat" he then said "I don't want 2 eat no fucking fast food shit, that shit will have me shitting on the streets"

I recently attended a pro-drug rally... in my basement.