Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 587
For this being the holiday season everyone at the mall is pissed. Time to shop online.
Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.
To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won't hit you because you are a vegetarian.
I really don't like art with a message. If you have a message that really needs to be said, just fucking say it.
I’ve got keys to crap I’ve never owned. You put all my keys together I could be a high school janitor tonight.
I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are...
You know when they show someone washing their hair under a waterfall? That's crazy. That would knock you on your butt.
I love that mentality, “Boo! You went to a different school than I did. I want everyone going to the same school. One school. 140 million students. Or I go ‘boo.’ I am the least tolerant human being on Earth. What’d you have for dinner tonight? Chinese food. I had Japanese. Boo. You like Triskets. I like Wheat Thins. Boo. You like regular Starburst fruits chews. I like the tropical. Boo.”
I like New York. This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, 'Hey, that's mine. Don't pee on that.'
As our larynxes descended, we were able to make sounds with our mouths in new and far more expressive ways. Verbal language soon overtook physical gesturing as the primary means of communication for all human beings except Italians.
Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, "Booty - mmm mmm."
I'll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.
A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."