Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 612
I've arrived at the place if I'm not taking a career risk, I'm not happy. If I'm scared, then I know I'm being challenged.
I’m for capital punishment. You’ve got to execute people. How else are they going to learn?
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".
Civil Rights: What black folks are given in the U.S. on the installment plan, as in civil-rights bills. Not to be confused with human rights, which are the dignity, stature, humanity, respect, and freedom belonging to all people by right of their birth.
You might be a redneck if your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
If you get a ticket, you can go to traffic school, and they make you watch movies for like eight hours: head-on collisions, mannequins flying out the windshield. At the end of the movie, the instructor goes, 'Now what have we learned by this?' Never let a mannequin drive your car.
I’m nervous about the whole velvet rope scene… I’m a child of the 70s. And I remember those Studio 54 stories where there’s a guy at the velvet rope and he’s saying you’re hot enough to get it and you’re not. And I know I’m in the not list. That’s not fun for me. When I go to Applebees, I get a table whenever I want.
[on doctors] And they say, they always say the same thing. They say, "Your appointment is at four," and it's never at four! You go down there at four and you have to wait in that waiting room with all the coughers for another bloody hour. You know when that doctor comes out at five and he'll say, "I'll see you now." "No you bloody won't! I've got a few more posters to read yet! Sit the fuck down!"
I love Oprah but she thinks she’s Jesus. And when she gets a papercut, she’s like, “Oh, Stigmata.”<br /> “No, Oprah, it’s not stigmata.”<br /> “But, I…”<br /> “Get off the cross and do your show.”