Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 612
Look at this way: if we all ate one person, the problem would be halved over-night. Think about it: I could eat someone you don't like, you could eat someone I don't like... where's the fucking damage?
I went out with a guy the other night. He ordered a salad. I’m sorry, if you ordered a salad as an appetizer, your main course is a cock.
I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.
You might be a redneck if you refer to the fifth grade as "my senior year".
When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.
I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say 'Take off your clothes'?
Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.
The thing about stand-up was, I was doing all this sketch and YouTube stuff where I was not being censored and I got to do my own thing, and it was really cool.
For some reason I get advertised when I travel as a political comedian, which I'm not. Sometimes I talk about it and sometimes I don't.
Ladies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask as many fucking questions as possible. 'I don't understand, who's that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I don't understand, why are they all wearing the same outfit? When are we going to have a baby?' Eventually he will shoot himself in the face, and you fucking win that argument.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the ring and sing anyway.