Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 612
A black man failing black history... ain't that some sad shit..... cuz you know, fat people don't fail cooking!
I thought about becoming a lesbian. Those bitches look like they're having a helluva time, don't they? But then you gotta get into the whole lesbian scene, you know, and go buy hiking boots and a truck. And then, who pays for shit? I guess the guy who's watching, but what if he's not there?
I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.
Political promises are much like marriage vows. They are made at the beginning of the relationship between candidate and voter, but are quickly forgotten.
I can’t enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening.
There is a new survey out about the happiest professions. I think the whole premise is flawed. You're supposed to find true happiness outside of work. From friends, family, and YouTube videos of old people falling down.
Why is pot against the law? It wouldn't be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can't make a profit off it, would it?
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."
When you're single again, at the beginning you're very optimistic and you say, "I want to meet someone who's really smart, really sweet, really sensitive". And six months later you're like, "Lord, any mammal with a day job".
I don't like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can't because I've got two kids standing next to my bed, just eager to live another day.
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
You can never go wrong betting on Americans' bad eating habits. So I've made a ton investing in all fast food chains, while at the same time investing in Dockers, spandex, Spanx, and sweatpants. Basically, anything with an elastic waistband is a goldmine.
I think the Republicans took all the fun out of 'gay.' I mean the word gay - it's fun. But now it's a ban on same sex partners. That sounds horrible. I mean, when do you hear a ban? When it's a toxic pesticide or a nuclear warhead. And who wants to fuck a partner? It sounds like a guy in a gray suit at a law firm.