Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 612
I’m nervous about the whole velvet rope scene… I’m a child of the 70s. And I remember those Studio 54 stories where there’s a guy at the velvet rope and he’s saying you’re hot enough to get it and you’re not. And I know I’m in the not list. That’s not fun for me. When I go to Applebees, I get a table whenever I want.
The problem is that your daughter has given her heart to a 15-year-old boy, and a 15-year-old boy does not yet qualify as a human being.
That whole thing has been overstated by environmentalists. First of all, what is it, rocks and snow? C'mon, what is that, you want that? Go to Canada my friend. Believe me, rocks and snow are overrated. I've seen otters - they look better covered in oil.
I am 65, my friends say I look 55, I feel 45, I'll settle for 35, and you make me feel 25!
I've always been opposed to groups. I can't believe the doctrine of group is going to work for every single person within the group.
Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA. You know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.
If you want to live in 'white world,' if you want to experience the stultifying boredom and penetrating ennui that homogeneity can bring, you can go to Canada any day of the year. It's an entire country named Doug.
Sometimes shit comes out your mouth that you don't expect! All you need is a goddamn witness. An audience is a goddamn witness.
Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.
Whoo! Heidi! Little goat girl, you are kicking the jam. You've got my lederhosen in a situation.
You might be a redneck if you use the term 'over yonder' more than once a month.
You might be a redneck if... the most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.